A Prairie View

Experiences

What experiences have you had that you can attribute to a higher power? That would have to be my son, Ethan.  He was born in 1991.  The family we had blended together, was coming loose at the seams.  They were all teenagers, or soon would be.  And all of them were unhappy about life.  Our lives were a mess.  And it showed.  David would come home every night, and be mad about something.  Worse than usual.  I couldn’t do anything right, and this just wasn’t like him.  He usually looked beyond my shortcomings. 

My normal standard course of action is to “run”.  Get out.  Doesn’t matter if I still love all parties concerned, I just wanted the situation to go away.  So, I started making plans.  I sought a lawyer.  The plan was… divorce.  I was just waiting for the “Right” time.  And then a higher power — my God, my Comforter — had a better answer.  He not only say “yesterday”, but he saw today, and beyond.   He saw where my life would be 10 years down the road. 

Instead of answering my prayers to see me through a divorce — he did something that he hadn’t allowed before.  I became pregnant.  I was on the Pill, just as I had been from the very beginning.  Nothing had changed.  So why now.  Because, we needed this child in our lives.  This baby.  This new beginning.  And, after Ethan was born, slowly, the family came together.  The girls wanted to come first.  It didn’t matter that it was because of the baby.  At least they weren’t playing games to keep from coming.  And the boys accepted the new one in their lives.  They got to be BIG brothers.   There was such a change, in more ways than one after Ethan was born.

And now?  12 years down the road, I thank my “higher power” — my God– for this child.  Our lives have changed, our jobs have changed, there is very little resemblance to that life we had 12 years ago.  David now is in a profession that takes him away from home alot.  But, I can accept and deal with it, because I still have this child at home.  If it weren’t for him, then the “empty nest” would be such a vivid thing, and I’m not sure I am ready for that just yet.   Even though I get mad at him, get frustrated, I am still very glad I still have this chance to be a mother, to make a difference, and to not be alone…not just yet.

I did good

TODAY  I actually did something right tonight.  Otherwise, it would not have been a good situation.  David called me from the grocery store to see if there was anything else we needed.  And he told me he had gotten 2 money orders for a couple of bills he needed to pay.  He said something about stamps, and I said not to worry, I had stamps.  So, tonight, as we were sitting at our respective desks, I got out two envelopes, put stamps and return labels on them, and handed them to him.  This look comes over his face.  He looks in his overall pockets.  And then he starts cussing.  He had LOST those 2 money orders.  They were for $75.00 each.  $150, and he didn’t have a clue to where they were.  10 minutes later…he comes back in the house, and has them.  A little worse for the wear, they are wet — he had found them, outside, in the snow (he’d been working on his truck).  Whew!  

So, I instructed him to say “thank you, Carolyn”.  If I hadn’t given him to envelopes, he probably woudln’t have thought of them…it could have snowed tonight — he  very well could have not seem them til spring, if ever.  Glad it was him, though, and not me! and he couldn’t blame this on me for a chance …..well….actually, in his “logical” way of doing things, yes, he could.  If I would just go pay them for him….but I’m not gonna do it!    He can just take the little extra time it will take him to do it.  He’s not driving.  He can MAKE the time….

The shell I see

I sat and wondered where it all began
How this existence came to be.
I’m quiet; pondering; rethinking life,
As I lie beside the sea.

I don’t care much to look at myself.
I’m not impressed at all.
I tend to see the ugliness -
And build another wall.

I notice the wrong, and ignore the right.
Suffocated by this disquise.
I’m too big, to plain, and just out and out dull.
(I hate to see with my eyes).

This shell I’ve been given, this outermost coat,
Is not the best there is around.
I’ve seen better, because I’ve compared
To the point I’m nearly drowned.

I’m the biggest shell on the beach that day
But no one seems to care.
A collector’s hand I’ll never feel.
Only fear, pain and despair.

All the world just passes me
Never once to stop and try
To talk or put me to their ear
To listen to my cry.

Please, look at me! On second thought, don’t.
I don’t think you’ll like what you see.
O, hear my sighs of lonliness,
And trust what you believe!

My God! My God! Why didst thou place
On me this shell of shame?
While everyone else is beautiful to see -
Why can’t I be the same?

A wave then crashes down on me
Threatening to pull me out.
But I’m insecure because I am me….
My happiness, I must doubt.

My life and well-being are both uncertain,
And I tremble and shiver with fright.
As I try to anchor a steadfast hold,
To anything in sight.

I’ll never know the joy of peace –
Of resting on a shelf.
To be admired from all who see
ME - for being myself.

The water drags me out to sea.
I topple with each wave.
A sign of all my failed attempts.
There’s nothing here to save.

Just then a hand - a gentle hand,
Lifts me from the deep.
I look into the loving eyes
That soon begin to weep.

“My child, my child, so precious to me.
So beautiful inside.
This shell will soon be passing,
But you’ll always be one of mine.”

Those gentle eyes looked back at me
And blinked away a tear.
And spoke with such conviction,
I couldn’t help but hear.

“Do not worry about things you have
Or how you look to others.
I love what’s inside you, no matter what,
Like I could never love another.”

The lips that kissed my shell that day
Were welcomed by this child.
For my tears of shame were brushed away
Forever, by a smile.

The hands replaced me in the sand.
“You still have much to learn.
One day soon, you’ll understand,
And never more will yearn.”

All my life, I’ve coveted.
Until my Father came.
And though my shell has not transformed,
I’ll never be the same.

I sat and pondered this newfound life.
Of how I’ll never be alone.
For my loving Collector will place me on
A shelf, like I’ve never known.

Written by Mark Jenkins

Attitude

Today   I  slowly came to the realization that no matter what I do, it isn’t right.   Which isn’t to say I’m wrong.  Its just that he will always find something to find fault, no matter what I do.  Case in point:  For years, I have been afraid of him, to tell him things, when it comes to our finances.  So, we have had these continuous vicious circles.  I’ll tell him what is going on.  I’ll have a “clean slate”, and then something will happen.  I’ll either do something stupid; so something will come in the mail, and I’ll be afraid to tell him.

So, i don’t.  and then it snowballs from there, and just gets worse and worse until it finally blows up in my face, and then we start all over again.

But, this time, its different, and its going to stay different.   I have enjoyed my last month of “freedom”.  Not having to worry about  phone calls, or what comes in the mail.  Not to have to worry about checking accounts or how to “fix” this or that.  I use my check to deal with a few things in my life — like my mother, my doctor app’t, and Ethan.  AND, if I need help, I ask him.  I swallow my pride, my fears, and everything else, and I ask.  I don’t play games, I don’t try to “fix” it myself.  I ask him, which is the way its supposed to be.  And, I don’t have to beat myself up daily for stupid mistakes. 

So, here is where I come to the realizatin, though, that no matter what I do, its not going to be right. I have been putting EVERYTHING in his mail box — regardless of what it is, or how bad it is.  And I brace myself for whatever emotion comes forth.  Some of it is pretty understandable, and I try to remember that when he is ranting and raving.  He gets over it, and deals with it.  I try really hard to NOT remind him that at least he’s “seeing” everything now, that its not something that is being hidden, like before.  Somehow, he doesn’t pick up on that being a “good” thing.  But, I do, and thats all the matters.  Whatever it takes to keep me from hiding stuff from him again.

Anyway — part of today’s “rant and rave” was …his mailbox.  He’s getting everything — but its all in one box.  So now he wants ME to set up a different system for him.  All the mail can’t go into one spot. He wants the bills seperate.  I understand his frustration…but, why is this MY problem.  He doesn’t like the system..set up a new one — but don’t get mad at ME for not “putting them in the right place”.  Again, he doesn’t see that he’s “getting everything”.  He just sees that he might have to look at the bills more than once.  Or maybe, just maybe, god forbid, something that ISN’T a bill might get in with the bills.  But it doesn’t matter.  Don’t rant and rave — change it.  I ask him how he thinks he MIGHT want it?  he doesn’t know — just FIX it.  Well, if HE doesn’t know, do I stand a chance of setting anything up right for him???     

but, it did make me realize, all that hiding I’ve done, all that “grief” I thought I was sparing myself — its always going to be there, in some shape or form.  It doesn’t have to be over major stuff like hiding what comes in the mail.  He’s always going to be “not happy” about something….so I might as well get used to it, and grow thicker skin.   I have been given a clean slate, it feels good to do things “right” for a change.  I’ve changed things on MY end as well to NOT get myself back into situation that call for drastic measure, and this part of my life is flowing along relatively smoothly.  I had money put back so when he started an attitude about having to spend money for Ethan’s birthday…I was able to cover all the expenses I thought necessary to give my son a nice, decent celebration of his 12th birthday.  So, things are changing within as well, and I’m not going to let David’s attitude keep me down and playing the blame game.  He’s not going to change.  How I deal with his little mind games is up to me, and guess what.  I’m not playing any more.  Let him rant.  I have a clear conscious and have nothing to be afraid of.  I’m doing my part.  I’m doing things like I’m supposed to be doing — doing it out of responsibility and hopefully good decision making, instead of out of fear and irrational decisions to “fix” drastic mistakes.  And I don’t ever want to go back to that way of living again!!!!

Family Sunday

Today has NOT going like I had anticipated, but still pretty much par for the course.  And,  I’m not fighting for my “Sunday’s” nearly as hard as I used to.  With David being home most nights now, if it ends up that he has things he has to do on Sunday, I think I can probably live with that.  When I fight so hard to keep our “Family Sunday’s” in tact is when he is driving so much and not home during the week.  THEN I would be upset that he hasn’t been here all afternoon.  But, I’ll let this week (…..and last week…..) slide.

Speaking of sliding….its SNOWING!! outside.  I haven’t looked out for a couple of hours now, but when I did mid-afternoon, we had quite an accumulation already.  The forecasters were actually right with their predictions this time.  We usually get all these warnings about ALL this snow we are going to get, and then we just get a slight ground covering.  But not today.  Wonder if there will be any school tomorrow….might play hooky from work if thats the case.  I wouldn’t mind another day off this weekend. 

I really enjoyed yesterday afternoon.  I got to spend some time with my wonderful, bright-eyed, loveable grandson.  We’ve been so busy lately, esp. weekends, its been awhile since I had last seen him, although I had been keeping up on his updates from his mom through her journal.  But, it was the dream I had a couple nights ago that told me that I needed to go over and kidnap him for an afternoon.  In my dream, we had gone over to his house, and he came running down the road to me (not bad, considering he’s ONLY 10 months old.  His mom told him “not to talk to strangers”.  He stopped, turned around and laughed at her, and said “Not stranger, GRANDMA!”.   Hmmm….I’m having dreams that he’s walking and talking?????   its been entirely TOOOO long since I’ve last seen him.  And it has.  He’s doing so many more things now than he was just a short month ago.  Very active, and on the go.  No laying down a blanket and playing with him now.  Its following him and keeping him out of stuff!!

And away from Grandpa!   he has the cutest pout.  But he sure doesn’t like his grandpa.  But, I think most of that is, he doesn’t seem him that often, and the beard.  And maybe the gruff voice.  David voice is kinda abrasive, to a little one like that.  (and on certain moments, can be to us adults as well!:)  Anyway, Grandma came to the rescue.  He kept an eye on his grandpa, but he just didn’t want any part of him!