Posted by Prairierose on Mar 07, 2003
REMEMBER…
* Remember that your presence is a present to the world.
* Remember that you are a unique and unrepeatable creation.
* Remember that your life can be what you want it to be.
* Remember to take the days just one at a time.
* Remember to count your blessings, not your troubles.
* Remember that you’ll make it through whatever comes along.
* Remember that most of the answers you need are within you.
* Remember those dreams waiting to be realized.
* Remember that decisions are too important to leave to chance.
* Remember to always reach for the best that is within you.
* Remember that nothing wastes more energy than worry
* Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a
wonderful stroke of luck.
* Remember that the longer you carry a grudge,
the heavier it gets.
* Remember not to take things too seriously.
* Remember to laugh.
* Remember that a little love goes a long way.
* Remember that a lot goes forever.
* Remember that happiness is more often found in giving than
getting.
* Remember that life’s treasures are people, not things.
Author Unknown
Posted by Prairierose on Mar 07, 2003
Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Is this a true image of yourself? If it isn’t your “true reflection”, what do you need to do to see
yourself as the beautiful shining soul you are?
Who I see when I look in the mirror has always been an issue. I realize that this question goes beyond just looking at the physical. But, I have always had a hard time seperating the physical from the inner. Even though I know me to be kind, caring, compassionate and giving, and have been told by others that I possess these qualities and more, I have always linked my “worthfulness” to the outer shell.
It is a large shell. It still is. But, in the past year, it has shed 75 lbs of shell — and for the first time in a very very long time, I can look in the mirror and not flinch. I can look, and not feel like I have just been kicked in the stomach and I don’t feel quite so repulsed by what I see. Along with the transition of the outer shell, for whatever reasons (it all started with the event of a broken arm and not being able to wash my own hair for 6 weeks, that I had it cut in a different style than I had always worn it, and the longer it grew, the better I liked it) my hair has transformed itself back to the days of my youth. Long and straight, with it parting in the middle, and bangs.
Between losing 75 lbs, having long hair now, and replacing tennis shoes with brown leather shoes, I now walk with confidence and a smile, instead of my eyes always at the ground, afraid to make eye contact with anyone.
Is this a true reflection of who I am? I think so. If I can make eye contact with myself, then I can make eye contact with anyone.
What do I need to do to become the shining soul that I know I am — continue what I am doing. My weight loss journey is still in progress. People view people at 40 as “over the hill”, as life being over. I feel life has just begun for me. I am living, not just surviving. I summurize myself as a rosebud — tightly drawn together. Not letting many people in, and not looking beyond a few feet in front of me. Now I see I have the whole world in front of me, and I am meeting it head on. I am slowly beginning to open, to blossom in my own right — not forced by the hand of someone else, but taking ahold of who I am, and letting the beauty inside show.
Posted by Prairierose on Mar 06, 2003
TODAY’S REFLECTION…
What am I afraid of when I journal? …of getting to close to the heart of the matter. That I might find answers that I know to be true, but I’m not ready to face up to them; or to take responsibility for my own actions; or not trusting that inner voice. I love to write; so I can journal page after page, with the greatest of ease. But…when I got back and read. When I look at all the other journal entries that other people make, I realize that when I journal, I am just scatching the surface. More of than not, I journal in a safe comfort zone, just going over the day’s events. Even in my paper journal.
I understand why I don’t get “down and dirty” with my thoughts, my feelings with an on line journal. Its for public viewing — which includes possibly my husband reading it, my children reading it, and very good friends reading it. My husband, my children, my friends know some of the turmoil that goes on in our lives. To me, it is necessary to stay half way neutral when writing for the whole world to see. I can write, make it interesting, make it funny, make it sad, tap into SOME of those feelings. But, I don’t think I will ever ”lay it all” on the line in here.
But what keeps me from doing it in my paper journal? I know of a time that I did. Because I had to. It was called emotional survival. I literally “wrote” myself out of my first marriage. It was only within the pages of a notebook did I find the courage, the self confidence, the strength it took to walk away from a 7 year marriage — because I had to. I couldn’t live the life he was giving me, expecting me to live. I reached a point, when I literally had a knife in my hand, and I came out of fog, I had that knife my hand, and I was shaking, and at that very moment, I knew I was either going to kill him or kill myself, but I WAS NOT going to remain in a marriage where he did not love me, touch me, hug me, support me. I did neither. He is still alive and well. And so am I. Because I walk away. But, it takes alot of strength to walk away from a marriage, move to another state, leave your children behind, because you only had enough strength to deal with the new life for yourself. I found that strength only in the pages of a notebook. God wasn’t a part of my life then. Well…he was. He’s always been there ….it was me who had gone away.
So, I know I have the ability to tap into the the dark pit of my soul. I just don’t like going there. But why. Human nature maybe? but then, doens’t that defeat the purpose of journaling? isn’t journaling all about going to a safe place to work out those issues? to deal with thoughts and feelings that you can’t admit to others? maybe I’ve lied to myself for so long about issues, that I don’t know how to do it any other way. But maybe I need to figure out and start the process of going there. Deep, within. And resolving some issues….
Posted by Prairierose on Mar 05, 2003
Today was a little calmer than yesterday. I usually like Mondays; but yesterday was just one of those days that nothing went as planned, and I seemed to hit every road block that was thrown in my way. We are having a problem with our finance secretary getting all the deposits to the bank in a timely manner. And who knows where the paper they fill out is going? but without it, I’m dead in the water knowing where to disperse the funds to the different categories. And then I am to print out a report for the board? yea. right. I can. But its not right. And the finance secretary didn’t make it to the board meeting. Imagine that. Its hard to do your job effeciently when other people don’t do theirs.
Two more days, and then we go back to Topeka for our “weekly” weigh in — only its been 3 weeks since we’ve been up there. I know not to expect anything magnificent. I’ll settle for staying the same, or a lb. or two loss. But I woudln’t be surprised if there is a slight gain. The “two week” weigh in’s may work for others, but it did NOT work for me; I need the “pressure” of only a few days between the weigh in’s. Otherwise, it becomes a target that is just kinda way out there. Its only 6 more weeks until Ruth and I have our “girl’s day out” — I would really like to go into that day with some spectacular successes. I’ve done it before — if I would just get focused here again, I could do it again. 6 weeks off is workable and I could still pull off some major lbs. If I just would.
Having the husband home every night though, and fixing supper for him every night, IS NOT helping the cause. That is one reason it worked so well before. My mom helped feed the kid, and the husband was on the road, so I could just focus on “me” and no one else. And it worked. Its not working now. PLUS, having him home so much is majorly stressful. And when you turn to food for comfort. Plus, when he doesn’t care what HE puts in his mouth, and he goes to the grocery store frequently and buys junk food…and then sits right behind you at HIS desk eating said food…. its TIME for him to go back on the road again. I can do this…..I can do this.
Lbs lost as of Feb. 13 … 75 lbs.
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Posted by Prairierose on Mar 05, 2003
“Beauty Tips” for Women
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed, never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
Posted by Prairierose on Mar 03, 2003
I am the one who…. Likes to write. Who has had ink in her blood since the 3rd grade. I am the one who has always felt a need to put her thoughts on paper, to wear her feelings on her sleeve, to accept life as it has been given to her.
I am the one who is inflicted with the “Disease to Please”. But, as I get older, I am finding it easier to say “no”…or at least work things around to where I am doing what I enjoy to do, and don’t say “yes” just because I’m asked, because I know there is a need.
I am the one who is settling down into her 40’s, and just really enjoying life. I have stopped “just surviving” life and circumstances, and started living and creating my OWN circumstances. I am tremendously blessed with a wonderful family and great friends.
I am the one who had an extra helping of blessings added to my plate when God brought Ruth into my life. She is a “one in a million” kind of friend. After living here for 5 years, they moved 2 hours away. And I was terrified that would friendship would slowly smolder away like a burning candle reaching the end of its wick. But, as the months and years go by, our friendship just gets stronger and better. We make the effort to stay in contact frequently; and go see each other. We plan “girl’s day out” trips, and do spontaneous things like calling and asking “whadda ya doing tonight? why don’t you meet us at …….” and off we go. She is always there for me, checking on me, encouraging me, pushing me on when I really don’t want to, and giving me a helping hand up when I stumble. Now, if you ask her, I am sure she will say all these things or similiar ones about me…but I feel like she, by far, is the glue that holds us together. She is just that kind of person.
Posted by Prairierose on Mar 01, 2003
TODAY’S REFLECTION…
Are you intelligent? how so? I wouldn’t consider myself intelligent, although I have been told that I am. And I suppose its all in the perception of what one thinks intelligence” is. I know some pretty smart people who just have no clue to what it means to be a part of the human race — in other words, no feelings, no common sense. I do know that I am “heart smart” — or rather, I tend to think with my heart than with my head sometimes. My husband is a “head thinker”. Very logical. A + B = C. But in my world, A + B could on occasion = D, depending on the circumstances. In his world, everything is very black and white; in my world, there are lots and lots of shades of gray.
I think thinking with my heart though, has made me a less effective parent. Bottom line, I think I’ve been a lousy mom. My kids have my unconditional love, they always will. But, as an adult, I know that I should have been alot stricter with them. But instead, I have put myself in their place, and thought about how they would feel, so I then become wishy washy and let them play mind games with me, because I allowing feelings to enter the equation. Thats the difference between kids and adults. Kids only think of the here and now, and only with emotion. Adults should have the experience and maturity to think the situation out logically and deal with it accordingly.
I won’t say I have always, and with every situation based my decisions on pure emotion. Maybe when it truly counts, I have been the adult I needed to be — *thinking back to when my middle son was 13 and had been diagnosed as being very depressed, and was advised to seeing counseling for him — which we did. Only, he knew how to play the game, and not talking, not making eye contact for 55 minutes was a piece of cake. The counselor we were working with suggested a hosptial that specialized in adolscense and teenagers. Matt was a very controlled walking time bomb. Things he should have gotten mad about, he just stood there and took…with clenched fists. You could see him retreat into his own little world. He lost 50 some lbs. in 6 months. He was dying right before my eyes. What choice did I have. So, we contacted the hospital. When we went, Matt thought we were just seeing a new counselor. No problem. It wasn’t until they talked to him, and then said, “come with us”, and he did, and then turned around to see if we were following, and realized we weren’t…..it all made sense to him then — and his words still ring in my ears like it was yesterday “MOM, don’t leave me here. I’ll talk. I’ll do whatever you want me to do, but PPPPPPLLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSSSEEEEEEE don’t leave me here”. My very unemotional child had just suddenly gotten emotional. He was crying, and begging me, all the way down the hall to come get him. And I coudln’t. I sat there, tears streaming down my face, dying a thousand deaths…..so he could live. And live he did. It was a slow progress, but the key word is progress. In those 10 days, he learned how to channel his feelings, how to get mad, but in a “good” way,– in other words, to feel again. I knew I had made the right decision about 8 months later, when I heard him laugh. I don’t remember now what it was even about, but he laughed. It had been several years since I had even seen him SMILE …and my child was actually laughing about something. And now, at 25 — yes, his world still has problems; and maybe he still makes stupid mistakes, but then, don’t we all?
So, yes, I can make “head” decisions, and as a 44 year old, I am learning to make more and more of them. Its taken me my whole entire life, but I see turning 40 as the beginning of a whole new life, and I am finally developing into a somewhat responsible adult. Took me long enough, but I guess better late…than never.
