Posted by Prairierose on Dec 21, 2004
…to be jolly
So, why don’t I feel jolly? I am so not a Martha Stewart, so “baking and decorating and gift buying” is not stressing me out. For the first 19 years of my marriage to David, we worked overtime right up until Christmas. We manufactured stuff animals and puppets, and this was the busiest time of year for us, so we worked many many evenings during December until 7:00. Old habits are hard to break.
I know what it is, I just don’t know what to do about it. I don’t even think its even rational or logical. I feel like I need to kick myself, tell myself to “suck it up and go on”. I am really really struggling here. I have been in tears off and on all day. What IS the deal. There is nothing specific I can pinpoint — like David doing something wrong, or not getting my way, or soemthing like that creating this emotion. I do know I am short fused and irratable …when i’m not blue.
I just don’t know how to “handle” my emotions this year. Last year, I had a “free” card that allowed me to do whatever I wanted, be whatever I wanted, and no one would or could question what lied behind my state of being. My mom died December 14. The funeral was December 17. December 23, my sister-in-law from my first marriage died, and my boys wanted to attend the funeral. So, Christmas eve, the 3 of us headed for Michigan. I spent Christmas day in a motel room, while the boys spent time with their dad (my boys are 27 and 28, so it wasn’t like they needed supervision or anything….). And I was OK with that. I was able to grieve in peace, alone, and not have to put on a “happy face” for the family that loved me back home, and were celebrating Christmas, because for them, life had gone on.
Anything I said or did during this period of time, the jagged emotion of tears, or anger, or just being really quiet or in a stupor — everyone knew how much I loved my mom, how much a part of my world she was, and my actions were a very normal reaction to the event. It was “allowed”.
But now….we have come full circle. Its been a year. And with time, has come some peace, some acceptance, some tolerance for not having her here. Most days. Apparently, this just isn’t one of those days. I don’t want to go Christmas shopping. I don’t want to deal with crowds. I don’t want to NOT have to buy her something. I’m resentful that I am having to deal with my 13 year old — he will probably be going with us. Every other year for the last 11 years, he has gone to “grandma’s house” when we went Christmas shopping. I don’t have the option anymore. Last year — David and my DIL went Christmas shopping for us. I was “allowed” to bow out of the process because ….
But, I know for anyone who hasn’t “been there and done that” — who hasn’t lost a parent, or a loved one really really close to them, the concept of “it being a year ….get over it” seems to apply. Logic dicates that life goes on, and with time should come “life goes on as normal”. And some days it does. But for some reason…..today isn’t one of those days. I just feel overwhelmed by the things that still lay ahead of me to do, the next week or two, that doesnt’ have anything to do with Christmas. Things like the angels for the angel tree not getting ordered (which wasn’t my responsiblity,and yet, I feel like I am partly responsible for the mess up) send me over the edge in tears. Just read tonights newspaper….we had emailed a “news release” to the newspaper today about the Christmas Eve service to put in Friday’s paper……. there IS no Friday’s paper. So, that chips away at my “self worth” — that I should have 2nd guessed that and be on top of it. I had gotten a newsrelease there when they did a big article about area churches and what we were doing ….. but this one slipped past us ….more specifically….me. I’m the secretary. I should be more aware of these things and handle them in a timely manner. I just didn’t think. I knew it had been in the main ariticle….I didnt’ think about it being in the devotional page on Friday….which they aren’t publishing.
Bottom line….I’m just tired of dealing.
And yet….the season is not about “ho ho ho” and being jolly. Its about Christ and his birth and the celebration of that. But today….word association ….Christ’s birth — takes me to Christ’s death. And death takes me back to my mom. And guilt. Because its NOT all about me. This season is about giving and others. So, as I stated earlier. I just need to suck it up and go on. Quite having a pity party for one. Make someone else’s life just a little brighter.
I wish I could.
Blessings to all….
Posted by Prairierose on Dec 18, 2004
P align=left>Re-entry to the blogging world, that is. Its been a combination of things this week. One, its just been a crazy busy week. Between working 2 jobs, working overtime at one of them, normal weekly stuff, Ethan’s Christmas program at school Monday night … the annivesary of my mom’s death, going to KC and spending time with a super wonderful friend …. there are alot of reasons why I haven’t been here, and why I haven’t said much. Its just been busy.
However…if you came in through my webpage, you know that I haven’t been THAT busy. I redecorated over there. How do I explain this? Sometimes…not always….but sometimes….redecorating, “creating” a new look, new pages, etc — is an addiction. A comfort food for the soul. And, this week, above all weeks, I have been hurting. I have been missing my mom. I have been remembering. Playing with my blog pages allows me to focus on something I enjoy, and just not think. I make a list, I know what I want, and what I would like to accomplish with the page. And then I follow through.
I should BE SO disciplined in other areas of my life.
But, I decided it was time to come back to the world of blogging. The world of words. The world of interaction and wearing my heart on my sleeve again.
And…for all intensive purposes, to “drown my sorrows” in something, I think I was pretty creative. I really like how my pages turned out; and will probably leave the layout part be for awhile, and just change the rest as the time and holidays dicate. January will be “New Years” themed, or maybe just plain winter. Late January, I’ll decorate in a Valentine’s flair. Then comes St. Paddy’s day. AFter that, spring offers a whole world of beatiful graphics ….and then….well….I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it to what my pages will be like then.
What I am doing with my pages is one of those things that is on my list of “things to learn”. Every since I became computer literate, and found the world of mouse drawn graphics and webpages, I have always thought …”Someday….. Someday I am going to be able to do that, and my pages will look wonderful and creative”. Last year, I had the pages, but I didnt’ do them. I sent what I wanted to a wonderful creative lady by the name of Jana, and she created my pages for me. The end result was that I had a wonderful homepage that reflected “me” and told a story about my life, my family, my loves, my interests, my obsession. But….I always felt like there was something lacking — ME. I WANTED to be the one doing it. But I didn’t know how.
Now I know how — and have gone to town with it. Blogdrive is a wonderful place to do a creative homepage, and not all that expensive. And the best part, is — I can say I DID IT MYSELF!
So now, I can check that off my list. The next “computer” endeavor is to master PSP. Start with blinkies, and then move on to making my own graphics. There are tutorials and such out there — its not like I would be flying blindly to learn how. Its just a matter of following directions and doing it.
And of course….in the meantime, there are some major goals in my personal life that don’t include the computer that I would like to accomplish. This is a good time of the year to reflect on that, and to set goals and follow them through. Surely if I can learn how to make webpages, I can learn how to develop a routine that involves more intensively cleaning and organzing. That I can be more disciplined in Devotion time and Bible Study. That I can lose another 30 lbs. I can do all those things, if I would just put my mind to it …… and “get a life”. Get off the computer!
Ok…maybe not get off the computer, but rather, balance things out just a little more.
I promise it won’t be another week before I make it back here again. And, I am going to try and get around to read as well. Put the graphic world back on the shelf, and focus on people again. On Life. On family.
Happy Holidays!
Posted by Prairierose on Dec 14, 2004
I’m losing it, and not for the reasons, those who know me, might think. I hit the floor running this morning, and haven’t slowed down since. The good thing in all this — which evokes a tinge of anger in me ….not directed at anyone, other than, maybe, myself — but because of the way my day has unfolded, I haven’t had a whole lot of time to think about mom. I’m not sure why I am of the mindset that today, or yesterday, or tomorrow is any different than any other day. They are all the same. A day without my mother in my life. But, they are milestones, in the sense that it has been exactly a year. So, emotionally, I’m trying to hang on. Trying to process all of it. To deal with it.
Yet, the bottom line is …. I just haven’t had the time to do it today. I know you can work and still think, still reflect …still grieve. But today has been so overwhelming with what has to be done, and in just way order I need to do everything in order to get it all done, that there hasn’t been room left in my brain to have the luxury of taking out the memories of those last moments with her. I’ve just tried to stay one step ahead of trying to get everything done.
THE CHURCH: The normal everyday Monday things … recording attendance. Calendar and devotion time with Gordon. Phone Calls. But, because I’m not going to work tomorrow — I’m taking a “play day” and going to KC and spending the day with my wonderful and bestest friend, Ruth — I needed to get the newsletter done, so it could be proofread, so I could mail it out when I come back to work Wednesday. That right now, would and could take my whole morning. However….on my plate of things to do as well was: doing a mailing to the area churches, and to the Jr. High and Sr. High youth of the New Year’s Eve Lock-in. (50 flyers). A mailing for the capital compaign (250 letters). Getting the newsletter to the point of proofreading.
I got everything but the capital compaign mailing doing, because Gordon wanted his wife to proofread the letter, and she didnt’ get off work until 2:00. Plus, he needed to handsign all the letters, and he wanted to run the envelopes through the printer rather than print out labels and slap them on the envelope.
So….
At 1:00, I left there ….went to the bank, went to the hospital for lab work. Went over to my aunt Jo’s to find her medicine that she couldn’t find that she knew she took to Florida — so now she wants me to overnight her some more. Get it ready, and mail it. Go to the post office. Go home and get cell phone. By this time, its a bit before 2:00. I needed to be “at work” — out at David’s office.
Worked 2 hours out there …. came back in, and went back to work at the church. Gordon had gotten some of the envelopes printed, but not all of them. So, while he signed letters, I printed evelopes. I didn’t get them done either, but I had to leave at 5:00 to go pick Ethan up from school and take him home. Did that, went back and worked until 6:30. He had a program at school. Attended that from 7:00 - 8:30. Ate supper.
And here I am. Almost midnight. The letters still aren’t done. What I had, I have stuffed in envelopes, sealed and stamped. But the saved copy on the disk isn’t compatible with any programs we have here at home. So…. Gordon will have to finish them up for me tomorrow. I feel really bad, but I have done all I can do. I have more than made up my hours that I will be missing tomorrow.
It has been non stop today. And tomorrow promises to be equally busy — only in a different way. I can hardly wait. I alway enjoy our time together, and I know tomorrow won’t be any different.
But first… I have to get Ethan off to school. Mail these letters. Stop by the church and let Gordon know where I left off, and see if he can finish them up. And then…maybe then…. I can leave town and spend a nice enjoyable day with my friend.
Thats the plan.
But now…the plan is to got to bed. It has been A DAY!
Blessings to all…
Posted by Prairierose on Dec 08, 2004
A night of meetings, but that is a typical Wednesday night. The first week of the month is always a hectic week. Ministry team meetings Sunday night, Board meeting Monday night, and then GAP and choir practice on Wednesday nights. We only a few more practices until the Christmas Eve program. So, even though we aren’t “key” people in the choir, its still important that we be there.
I also need Ethan to be at his Youth Group meeting tonight. I have some flyers and stuff ready for the Youth minister. He is planning a “Lock-in” for New Year’s Eve — which is to include not only our youth, but youth from area churches. At the Ministry Team meeting, he said that “Carolyn would be making up the flyers”. Didn’t take him long to “jump on board” my offer to help him do whatever needed to be done:) hehe. Its fine though. I did offer. I’m just feeling overwhelmed this week. Besides the normal stuff of the newsletter, bulletin, and outline … we are also going into a new “Capital Campaign” — and its going to take a lot of work on the part of the minister …and if there are mailings and such, of course you know who that falls on. Right now the key thing is to get a “Master List” put together. Which, shouldn’t be all that difficult. I send out a newsletter every other week. That is a good, up to date place to start.
I also may be “hired” on to another part time job. Just depends on what my husband decides to do. He was approached by another company to do some work for them — doing what he is doing now ….dispatching, billing, mechanic work, etc. He doesn’t feel like he can do “all of it” — but, if he had some ”help”…he might be able to. So, I threw it out on the table that I could, if he needed me to, work from 1:30 - 4:00 every afternoon. That would make Ethan stay for homework help, and that woudln’t be a bad thing. And, it would have to be “clear cut” tasks. Yes, I realize that it is going to take some “learning” on my part …thats expected with any new job. But, what I am refering to about being “clear cut” — is, like, the filing that he would like for me to do right now …. there’s not a “simple, clear cut” logic to it. You have to guess on alot of the invoices to just what truck the service was done on..and stuff like that. If I’m going to do this, I want it to be something that I can go to the office and do, once I learned the ropes, and not depend on David to “decipher” what i need to do with it. I would get paid once a week, just like they do. Right now, what work I’ve done out there, we have “kept track”, and one of these days, I’ll get paid. IF I’m going to do this, it has to be like a “real” part time job …not just filling in for what he doesn’t get done.
But…he has decided 100% yet if he’s going to do it. I’m not going to pressure him one way or the other. It has to be his decision.
Ethan had a full day Sunday. He has a new “ministry”. One of our elders takes communion to the “assisted living” place, where he does a short service, and serves communion. Ethan did the special music at church last Sunday, and Paul asked him afterwards if he would go to the Meadows and sing for them there, which he agreed to do. We talked about it, and he is going to go with Paul every week, help serve communion, and do a special music number for them. He helps at Kidz Kingdom, but he gets so frustrated there — the kids don’t listen, and its exasperation — for the adults, let along someone close them in age who is trying to maintain control with them for a short amount of time. So, we have talked to all the appropriate “head of ministry teams” and he’s not going to do Kidz Kingdom any more, but he will go to the Meadows every week. It will be much better for him, thats for sure. He’ll be going somewhere where he can share his talents (singing), is appreciated and loved, and it is a real service project, rather than “surviving the hour”.
So, this week, not only did he go to the Meadows and sing again ….but once a month, we go to another nursing home about 15 miles away, and do a service there. When Gordon goes, then usually Ethan goes as well. Gordon alternates with another man, and Ehan is just not comfortable being around this other man — so even though I “make” him do things sometimes that he’s not comfortable with….this isn’t one of them. This man has a way of stirring up trouble, and just is not a real friendly person sometimes. So, I don’t make him go when its his month. But when Gordon goes, Ethan is comfortable with everyone that goes, and there again…the attention…the “positive reinforcement” that he gets is a good thing.
I trying really hard to fight the memories right now. It was a year ago today that I didn’t attend choir — I was over at my mom’s house, taking her pulse every 15 minutes, and helping her make the decision whether or not to go to the hospital. Her pulse was running around 30-40 …. which was not good. We did make the decision to go to the hospital, and they kept her over night, and then sent her to Topeka the next day.
She never came home.
Has it been a year already?
I want to say its been the longest year of my life …. living it without my mom. But….I have to admit, it has gone remarkable fast. Too fast. Painfully fast. My good, dear, sweet, loving, caring friend in Kansas City has arranged a scrapbooking day for us next Tuesday. The 14th. It took me awhile to put 2 and 2 together – figuring out just exactly what she was doing. Setting up a scrapbook/Red Lobster day for us isn’t anything out of the ordinary. We do it from time to time. So, when she said, put it on my calendar …the 14th …. I did. And looked forward to the day. But, in my mind, and I know this isn’t going to make sense …… Dec. 14 and scrapbooking with Ruth AND Dec 14, the anniversary of my mom’s death …..were two seperate days. I hadn’t forgotten that mom died on the 14th. In the back of my mind, I knew that it would be a rough day to get through, and there was a chance I woudln’t even go to work …that I would just stay home, …and remember. Give into the pain. And remember. And yet….. Dec. 14. Scrapbook with Ruth. And in my mind, I was packing my scrapbook bag, and not going wasn’t an option. I just hadn’t clearly put it together that they were the same day. Which, of course, doesn’t make any sense.
And when I did put it together, I knew exactly why she had planned this particular day for us to get together. Thats just the kind of person she is. Thats why I love her. She was there when I made the call that Mom wasn’t going to make it. She stayed with me. She dealt with my aunt. She helped me get through it. Because thats what friends do. And now, as I am about to deal with the anniversary of her death …. my friend is there again for me. Because thats what friends do.
Guess its time to head to Youth Groups, so i’m outta here. Hope everyone is having a good week and that the holiday month isn’t too stressful for you.
Blessings to all….
Write a letter to Santa.
Posted by Prairierose on Dec 04, 2004
MY day went OK, but David’s mom and dad’s day could have been a whole lot better.
Have you been working around your house, and hear the fire whistle go off, and then hear police and fire trucks going somewhere, with their sirens on? And you stop and say a prayer for safety for those men, as well as whoever might be involved in whereever they are going.
And then…for a moment, you hope and pray that it isn’t someone you know.
That was my afternoon. The fire whistle went off, followed by the appropriate vehicles being dispatched to the place in need. I didn’t think a whole lot about it. We would read about it in the newspaper next week.
Wrong. Shortly after, the phone rings. Its David. He says that his mom just called and said their shop was on fire — so he was headed in to help, even though all the “professionals” were out there. Despite all their problems, this is a close knit family, and going out there to help was just automatic for him. Since he hadn’t gotten out there, of course he didn’t know any circumstances or details.
We waited a while, and then Ethan and I got in our van and went out there. Of course we really couldn’t get to their house — the drive way was blocked off by the police …and I figured they didn’t need anymore people out there than already was.
It was a sight to behold though. The building was fully engulfed. Fire trucks. An ambulance …. I saw David’s sister out there, but that didn’t surprise me. For one, her husband, her son and her son-in-law are all volunteer firemen. So, they would have been out there just because they would have been called to report for duty. But also, his sister is extremely close to her mom, so it was just natural for her to be there for her mom.
What ticked me off was the cars…that were pulled over, that had gone down the road, and turned around and gone back to town, to get a better look. Or, who had parked at the business on down the road, “just to watch”. Yes, I was one of them who had gone out “to see”…but I’m family! Under normal circumstances,I do not get in my vehicle and go find where the fireman have been dispatched, or run to see the accident, or whatever the crisis might be. What do people doing when they do this? The professionals sure don’t need them around, while they are trying to secure the situation. I don’t know….it just didn’t feel right seeing people sit back and watch.
Other than that, it was a pretty quiet day.
Oh…the cause of the fire? David’s dad and brother were welding — it became lunch time, so they went to lunch. Apparently a spark from the welding must have been smoldering, and after awhile, it started to blaze. They were in eating lunch, and the lights started to flicker — and his dad went to investigate why. When he saw why, he yelled his wife to call 911, and he went running down there to see if he could get control of it. He didn’t get all the way to the building before the welding torch blew up. He decided that maybe he wouldn’t try to get control of it. There was several more of similar kinds of bottles that are highly explosive under extreme heat. I am just thankful he wasn’t there when it blew up, or he wasn’t hurt in any way. There are so many ways this could have played out differently …and I know they are feeling the loss of many many dollars worth of property, but, the “property” that is most sacred was spared, and that is all that matters.
How was YOUR day?
blessings to all…
