A Prairie View

Happy New Year

Today is: Saturday
Countdown: 9 hours left of 2005
Weather is: Partly Cloudy. Highs Around 53. Southeast Winds 5 To 15 Mph.

The clock is ticking away. Only a few hours left of the New Year. A New Year to me always represents a new clean slate. A time of starting over. Moving forward. Changing. I’m not going to overwhelm myself, but I am going to make it a year of changes and strives in moving forward. Simplifying and decluttering my life! Becoming content, and at peace with myself.

Wishing everyone who stops by today and tomorrow — a healthy and happy NEW YEAR!

Resolutions

Today is: Friday
Countdown: 1 day left of 2005
Weather is: Mostly Cloudy In The Morning Then Becoming Partly Cloudy. Highs Around 50.

I really hadn’t thought of these are New Year’s Resolutions. I’m tired of being tired. The big question is, how do I go about changing things to make myself content in my life. I listed out the things that were stressing me out — that just aren’t “right” in my life — and then went back and examined each one, and thought of ways I could change those aspects in my life. Alot of them won’t take much … just a matter of tweaking my daily routine a bit. Others… well, they are more major lifestyle changes, but are at the root of what would change my life dramatically if I would just make changes there.

I wasn’t going to make this about New Years or Resolutions. However… one of the things I would like to change is not changing my layout quite so much. I waste soooo much time, just looking, thinking, looking some more. It occured to me if I had someone make one for me, I might stick to it better…thus wasting less time trying to create my own.

The solution? E.Webscapes is doing a New Years blog giveaway. I have to try. It doesn’t matter if I win or no (although, I would be on top of the world if I did) — these things that I want to do are to bring some balance and contentment to my life. These changes will continue to happen, no matter what. I realize this list is just a repeat of what I did for Thursday 13 yesterday, but I wanted to do a seperate blog entry and plug their site (nothing like waiting until the last minute, uh?).

MY RESOLUTIONS:

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Thursday 13

Thirteen Things about Carolyn Theme: In With The New Last week, I made a list of 13 things that stress me out, pretty much on a daily basis. Its “out with the old, and “in with the new” — these are things I can strive to do to make those things less stressful. 1. Christmas: With a sigh of relief, it is now behind us. We got our shopping done, and we spent an enjoyable day with family. One of those rare moments when I had all 5 of my kids all in one room. The icing on the cake would have been having all the grandkids there, but that didn’t happen. Malachi was with his mom; and Betsy & Liam with their dad. 2. My “faith” involvement: I have come up with a challenge that will get me “in the Word” every day, as well as being accountable to someone about it. The challenge is this: —make this one commitment —find one partner (a group of three is also acceptable) —read one chapter of the Bible —write down one thought (or question) —write out one verse (to aid memory) —pray for one thing —make one contact per day (via e-mail or phone). Every day, each pair/trio reads the same chapter of the Bible, writes down one thought or question about the reading, writes out one verse from the reading, and writes down one prayer thought (request or praise). Then they e-mail each other with this information. It helps to keep each other accountable, and it takes only about five minutes a day. Is anyone interested in doing this? 3. My job(s): The bigger projects that are on my plate are coming together, and should be behind me soon. A more “inside” thing that I need to do is to change my “lifestyle” of making this computer — this blog — such a center point of my life. Just shifting a few things around — getting up, taking my shower, getting ready, and THEN checking my mail and my blog is the first thing I’m going to do. And then, once I drop Ethan off at school, go to work, instead of going home to be on the computer for those 20 minutes. That would put me “ahead” of the time game, instead of always chasing it. With my other job: — get back into a scheduled routine. Going out when I “want to” to finish up what I don’t get done on Mondays, really isn’t working. I need to have structure here. 4. Friendships: Write Kay (my friend in Iraq) Put the inner critic away, stop putting my personal thoughts in what I think Ruth might be thinking, and just be a friend. Email frequently, call occasionally. Quit judging myself through what I THINK she might be thinking. When I do that, imagined or not, I then give her REAL reasons to not want to be my friend. I’ve basically shut myself off away from her, and I hate that. I love her so much and she was such a blessing in my life — I need to try and get that relationship back. Reach out and take the help and friendship offered by my good friend/ex-DIL, “The Bubble”. She is a rare gem, and again, I keep my distance. But she doesn’t give up on me. Its time that I give back. 5. The house: Make a workable list, and follow through. 6. Computer friends: Again, make a list and follow through. “Daily Reads” — read them daily! and comment DAILY! Become more involved with the W@H group. 7. My aunt: God answered this one yesterday. See the “Don’t Tell Me” entry. 8. Computer time: Simple. STOP WASTING TIME. Go in, write an entry, visit my favorite blogs (keep that list short and managable). See #5. After following through there, if there is time, spend an hour or two on the weekend, checking new sites, doing computer things that don’t mean a whole lot. LEAVE the layout of the blog alone. Keep the Theme Switcher list at a selection of 3, and only change them out once a month or every 2 months. 9. Graphics: If I follow through with #8, then this shouldn’t be a problem. Be selective. Stick to just a few “favorite artists”, instead of spending hours looking for “new” artists and graphics. 10. The “weigh” I feel: I have 3 days to get a plan in place. I’m either going with Dr. Phil — or calling Topeka and getting set back up with Dr. Tague. Still need to make some phone calls and get the financial facts in place before making a decision. 11. My husband: See #5. Start there. See #10. Once that happens, then other things *wink *wink will fall into place. 12. Health Issues: See #10. Also, fill my pill dispenser and taken meds as prescribed. I’m back to this “hit and miss” routine, and thats not a good thing. Call my pulmonologist and set up an appointment. I think my CPAP needs to be set higher. However … if I can make some headway with #10, then I think that would take care of the problems I’ve been having concerning my CPAP. But…in the meantime, I probalby should make that appointment. 13. Read this list a year from now, and be able to hold my head high as I check off each and every one of them, and take pride in everything that I have accomplished in 2006. I have visited these Thursday Thirteens! Leanne Colleen Veronika Raehan Squashed Toad Goofing Off LilyBleu

Anyone Interested?

The challenge is this:

—make this one commitment

—find one partner (a group of three is also acceptable)

—read one chapter of the Bible

—write down one thought (or question)

—write out one verse (to aid memory)

—pray for one thing

—make one contact per day (via e-mail or phone).

Every day, each pair/trio reads the same chapter of the Bible, writes down one thought or question about the reading, writes out one verse from the reading, and writes down one prayer thought (request or praise). Then they e-mail each other with this information. It helps to keep each other accountable, and it takes only about five minutes a day.

Is anyone interested in doing this with me?

Don’t Tell Me…

Today is: Wednesday
Countdown: 3 days left of 2005
Weather is: Mostly Cloudy In The Morning Then Becoming Partly Cloudy. Highs Around 50.

…there isn’t a God. He listens. He answers. Even when its not the answer that I want.

I had a pity-party earlier. My aunt called — nice as could be. She couldn’t find some of the things she was wanting to get at our local department store, so I told her after the holidays, and if she was feeling up to it, we could go out of town. So, she called today, wondering when we might be able to go. I had been thinking about it — and I want to check and make sure the stores we would go to would be open Sunday — but my plan was to take her Sunday. I’m working out to “the office” everyday this week (AFTER I finish working at the church at 3:30) — so it would be 6:00 before we could go. It would pretty much kill my Saturday if we went Saturday — only to turn around and do New Year’s with David’s family. So….I’m thinking Sunday afternoon, maybe right after church. IF the stores are open.

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Montana Mikes

Today is: Wednesday
Countdown: 3 days left of 2005
Weather is: Mostly Cloudy In The Morning Then Becoming Partly Cloudy. Highs Around 50.

After Monday night being a bust for what I wanted to do for David for his birthday supper, I had already decided that at the very least, I would take him to our very favorite Mexican food restraunt here and town, and let them spoil him. But it wasn’t 10 minutes after I told him what we were doing, his mom called. They wanted to take him out for supper. When it was all said and done, we ended up in Emporia at Montana Mike’s. It turned out to be a nice meal — and not too many interuptions, because David forgot his truck phone, so it was in his truck at the house. He did end up calling a good friend of ours, and she went and got the phone, called him back to let him know who all called, and then fielded all the calls for him.

I told her to tell the drivers that it was his birthday, and he was unavailable. Of course that didn’t fly, and we laughed about it. At least they kept it to a minumum last night.

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10 Ways to Enjoy Christmas

10. Determine not to let crowds, long lines or a lack of funds derail my joy.

9. Witness the joy of Chrismtas through the eyes of children.

8. Thoughtfully consider all the blessings I have experienced in the last 12 months.

7. Listen to Christmas music, drive around town and see the lights.

6. Soak up the Christmas atmosphere of “Peace on earth, good will to men.”

5. Think of my family and be thankful we can celebrate this holiday.

4. Go caroling and get to see the smiling faces of many friends and loved ones who are shut in.

3. Attend the Christmas Eve service and see families celebrate the joy of Jesus’ birth.

2. Look for opportunities to be generous with others less fortunate.

1. Keep Jesus, the light of the world, as my focus.

Time Slips Away

Today is: Tuesday
Countdown: 4 days left of 2005
Weather is: Mostly Sunny. Highs Around 61.

I counted the days down until Christmas — Tick - Tock - Tick - Tock. Yes, the days went by fast, and Christmas was here and gone before we knew it. But, it seemed like a slow steady progression of days. The countdown until New Years now seems like TickTockTickTock. 2006 is going to be here in the blink of an eye. So, I will be reflecting over the year, thinking and planning ahead to the New Year. All I know is that 2006 is going to be a great year. Whatever it takes, I am going to make it that way. Its going to be a year of healing and changing. No more living at status quo. I’m taking charge and making change.

Today is David’s birthday. Happy Birthday, “old man”. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. He gives me a hard time about being an “old lady” because I am older than he is … by a year, a month, and a day. So, for a month, from the end of November until the end of December, there is a “2 year” difference (I being 47, and he being 45). But today closes the gap once again, and he turns the ripe old age of 46.

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Protected: Speculation (Update)

Protected: Speculation

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things about Carolyn
Today’s Topic: Out With The Old

These are the things stressing me out: (Next Week: In With The Good..or… what I can do to change these things and make them not stress me out as much)

1. Christmas We are so not ready. We did go Christmas shopping Tuesday and got the majority of it done — but, there are still a few left that we still need to do, not to mention wrapping and getting food made, etc. for the family gathering on Sunday.

2. My “faith” involvement I am a Christian. I believe in God, and in his Son. But I feel like I am going through the motion. I feel like the prodigal son, only I haven’t returned home yet. I know being a Christian isn’t about “me” and “what I do”. Its what Christ did for me, and I have accepted Christ, been immersed, and I worship with my Christian family weekly, as well as activities and such during the week. But its the personal walk that seems to fade in and out. It bothers me. Its another thing on my “to do list” and it shouldn’t be that way.

3. My job(s) I could leave this blank and that would speak for itself. 2 jobs. Who am I kidding, even if they are both part time jobs. There are a couple of major projects within both jobs that need to be completed — soon. That is stressing me out. But, in this self-examination of things that I hate about myself and my life right now, doesn’t have anything to do with those projects. Its my attitude. I always seem to be a few minutes late, every day. I tend to make this stupid computer my world, so I am on the computer right up to the last minute before I have to leave. Also, the weight issue. I don’t throw myself into my job as much as I used to, just for the simple fact its just hard to get around. The knees hurt. I’m short of breathe. So, I feel like — and I know it to be truth — I’ve lost that “go getter” status that I used to have at the church and all the things that need attention, whether it be within my job description, or within church activities and service projects. I’m just surviving right now, and don’t go beyond that much anymore these days.

With my other job — I either need to give it more attention, or forget it. And thats not really an option. David wants me out there. Again, I feel like I’m not giving it my full attention.

4. Friendships I have let some close friendships go by the wayside. These are some really great special people, and my life has been richly blessed by their friendship. With one, its just a matter of putting myself out there — she lets me know frequently, she is there, if I need her. The other … well… I’m not sure. I’m afraid I’ve done unrepairable damage. And if I have, I have lost something that is rare and wonderful. And I have no one to blame but myself. There is yet another friendship — she was my best friend in high school. Every Christmas, I get a personal letter from her — she doesn’t give up on me. This year, I found out she is in Iraq. That really knocked me for a loop. I pray for her safe return home daily.

5. The house Lots of decluttering and deep cleaning to do.

6. Computer friends I have met some wonderful people here (ok, well, not in person) — and I would like to see these friendships grow. But I find myself messing with the look of my blog, or just mindless looking at other sights, just surfing, instead of focusing on what is important.

7. My aunt This one is a little more complex. This is something I don’t have total control over. There are things she says and does that are selfish and self serving for her. But. God had a plan for her, bringing her into my life like He did. I need to figure out how to make this situtation more of a blessing that a burden.

8. Computer time Lots of wasted time. I acknowledged that. And it bothers me, but so far, not enough to make me change it.

9. Graphics I have always loved stickers and decorations, so the graphic world on the computer is very much a “at home” place for me. But, like many many other areas in my life, I tend to be “out of balance” in this area. Granted, it has gotten better, and I should take ownership of that; but it still has a ways to go.

10. The “weigh” I feel I believe this plays a big part in what is wrong in my world. All roads lead back to this. The house would look better if I felt better. Friendships would be stronger, because I would feel like getting out and doing things with them. Less time would be spent on the computer if I actually felt like doing something. I would be more effiecient in my job, more involved in my church, if it didn’t take everything I have just to go from my vehicle to the building — and up the stairs. I would just feel better. And feeling better means being more active, no matter what it is.

11. My husband. He has been generous with his patience and tolerance. But everyone has their breaking point. I want to be a better wife, better housekeeper, better person.

12. Health Issues Again, alot of it goes back to the weight issue. But there are other things going on with me, and I need to address them and be just a bit more serious about them than I am.

13. Now that I have made the list and been somewhat critical and honest about “who I am” — next week will be “In with the Good”. I will take these 12 things and expound on what I can do to make them not such stress points in my life. To turn them into positivites, to live a life that I enjoy, rather than getting by and just surviving. To look forward to each morning with life and energy, than cringing because I hurt and wonder if I will even be able to get out of bed, or up the stairs at work. There are days…. I really do wonder!

Links to Thursday Thirteens I have visted!

(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

‘Tis the Season

Today is: Wednesday
Only: 4 days until Christmas

Well, we aren’t done, but close. There were a few things that we couldn’t find, or even just leaving the field open, meaning, instead of looking for something specific for someone, we looked in an area for “something” for someone, and it still just didn’t come together. For instance — toys. We have Betsy covered (my 10 year old granddaughter). But, the boys were a bit harder (we have 3 grandsons — ages 3 1/2 to 7). We bought a few things, but we have a price limit in mind of what to do for everyone, and we didn’t make it with the boys, but just didn’t find any more that we thought would work. So, we are going to check here in town at our local department store. Their toy selections are usually pretty good. But. It is just a few days before Christmas, so their selection may be as crummy as Walmarts was.

All in all though, we did pretty good, and most of the pressure is off of “we’ve got to go shopping” that I’ve been feeling for the last week or so.
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What I Can Do

Today is: Tuesday
Only 5 days until Christmas

I am feeling overwhelmed right now; but there is something unlying that feeling as well. Frustration? Out of controledness? Loss of hope? I don’t know, but … I am resolved to do something about it. Something Melissa said to me a couple weeks ago — I know this intelletually, but I just have never seem to have been able to put it into practice. Start small — tiny baby steps. I need to examine just what it is I am feeling, why I am feeling it, and most important, what I can do about it.

These are the things stressing me out:
Christmas
My “faith” involvement
My job(s)
Friendships
The house
Computer friends
Mu aunt
Computer time
Graphics
The “weigh” I feel
Health Issues

I’m sure there are other things; but if I can tackle these, put them out there, and examine them, this would definately be a good healthy start. I will be going over these in the next few days — sorta “out with the bad, in with the good” kind of thing to start out the New Year with. I think there are 2 key things here that I need to reall implement. Discipline — to take something, stick with it, and be consistent. And — weight loss. I think I could deal with alot of things alot better if I would find somekind of sensible weight loss plan, and lose weight. Part of the miserabliness (is there such a word?) I feel is a physical thing.

I just have a lot to sort out and work on.

Step # 1. Go Christmas Shopping!!

Snowy Sunday

Today is Sunday
Only 7 days until Christmas

We woke up to a Winter Wonderland. It had snowed during the night. Not unexpected though. The forecast was for snow all day. When Ethan went to Topeka in the morning, they ran into quite a bit of snow north of us. So, when we didn’t have any by last night, I thought it had all gone north of us. I was wrong. We probably got a couple of inches. It wasn’t icy, but I was still a little nervous getting from my van to the church.

This is how “chicken” was, about getting back out in the snow to get to the van. I let Ethan drive it out of hte parking lot, down the streeet, and back into the parking area in front of the church. A distance of maybe a quarter of a block. Not far. David has beeni letting him a little bit here and there. So, I caved today and let him drive that short distance. Not that we are going to make a habit of this, but he actually did a good job. Slow and easy, not over gunning it or being stupid. But, I’m still not giving in to what I have set as a high mark for him. He can’t get his restricted license until he makes the honor roll. Which, should be a apiece of cake. But…I don’t think he’s going to make it this quarter either. Hopefully…by the sumer…
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Just Chillin’

Today is: Saturday
Only 8 days until Christmas

I know this is selfish, but this is what weekends are all about. I’m still selfish with them, after working Saturdays for the last year. As always, David worked on trucks, and today, Ethan had another “singout” with the Barbershop Chorus. They sang at a widow’s home, and then when to a rescue mission. They had taken a collection and gave it to them as their “project” for the season. He left around 10:30 and home around 4:00. Then he had dress rehearsal for teh children’s program tomorrow night. Busy busy boy.

So, I had most of the day to myself. I got the bookcase changed around like I wanted, which then go the couch and recliner against the wall instead of out in the middle of the living room like they had been. I have about 15 minutes more of work and the living room will be in pretty good shape. Now to tackle the computer room. There may be hope for our house yet.
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Friday

Today is: Friday
Only: 9 days until Christmas

I am so glad its Friday. Which means tomorrow is the weekend. I would like to think we would go Christmas shopping tomorrow, but I won’t hold my breath. I would say we will probalby go sometime during the next week next week. If that is the case, I have several projects around the house I want to work on.

And Chex Mix. He has been bitting at the bite for me to make Chex Mix all week. I will do that for him tomorrow as well.

I worked at the church all day, and then out to the office for a couple hours as well. I think while Ethan ins out of school over Christmas break, he can come out with me, and I’m going to put some extra hours in. I’m running out of time to get the IFTA report done. Actually, its not due until the end of January.
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Thursday 13

Thirteen Things about Carolyn
Today’s Topic: My Mom

1. Last week, I talked about a snow storm and employment — and about life going on. Its a hard fact of life, but the same applies to the time you lose someone you love very much.

2. 2 years ago, on Dec. 12, my mom was in the hospital, but she was just there for some tests, and we talked about the things we would do once she got out of the hospital next week.

3. 2 years ago, on Dec. 13, I was still staying at the hospital with her (we were 60 miles from home). I had been there with her since Wednesday, and we had talked about me going home for a while on Saturday. But, it had snowed, and I decided to just stay put. On that day, Dec. 13, she woke up with a headache. I helped her eat her breakfast, we called the nurse to see about giving her some aspirin. A short time later, she tried to say something to me, but her speech was slurred, and she was having a hard time holding her head up. I ran out in the hall and called for a nurse to come right away, something wasn’t right.

4. 2 years ago, on Dec. 13, my mom suffered from a massive brain bleed, and was put on life support. Before I could process any of it, what had just happened, I was given the choice of A) taking her off life support B)try treating her with medicine, or C) have a nuerologist look at her. I chose C. Then I learned that he couldn’t see her until the next day. In hindsight, I probably should have chose A. But. What those 24 hours did was buy me time — allowed me to be able to process it. If we had taken her off life support that afternoon, there is no way I could have been with her as they did it. But, by being able to sit with her, talk to her, just be with her, 24 hours later, I was able to stand by her side, hold her hand, stroke her forehead, and whisper to her that it was “OK”, that it was time for her to “go home”. It was all surreal, and something I could have never imagined doing in a thousand years.

5. 2 years ago, on Dec. 14, we took my mom off life support, and a very important part of my life died with her.

6 My mom. She had been a part of my every day, every day of my 45 years, except for 5 years when I lived in Michigan. We talked every day on the phone. We did everything together. She knew all my faults and flaws — and loved me anyway. And now…. she was gone. In the blink of an eye. We were talking and planning and just being a part of each other lives. And then she is gone.

7. How do you process something like that? I suppose in the big picture of things, I processed things as I was supposed to. I went through the grieving process. I cried an ocean of tears.

8. But. Life goes one — and I hated life for doing that. With her death, the responsiblity of “keeping an eye” on my aunt, and her health problems, was transfered from my mom to me. Before mom was even taken off life support, I had to step up to the plate and start making decisions for my aunt. Because this was her sister, when I called David to come to Topeka “NOW” — and he knew it wasn’t good, he stopped by and picked up my aunt. My aunt is diabetic. She grabbed her insulin stuff, but not her meter or any of the other stuff. So, in the midst of death and decision making, I had to decide what we needed to do to keep from anything “bad” happening to her. It was only the beginning.

9. 2 years ago, on Dec. 17, we had a funeral service for my mom. My mom loved her grandson — and was oh so proud of his singing talent. It was she who encouraged him to sing a solo at a TOPS convention — infront of 500 ladies. And it was she who bragged to everyone that that was HER grandson. So, it was only fitting that Ethan sing at her funeral. However, I knew that that would be an unspeakable, unrealistic thing for him to do. But what he did do, was went in the day before, and worked with our minister, and was able to tape 2 songs. We also went through pictures and made a power point presentation, that was run before the funeral actually began.

10. My step-dad died in 1991. My mom had his urn on her entertainment center. With his picture leaning against. We joked — that when she died, she was NOT going on my entertainment center. Just wanted her to know that up front. She joked back that that was OK — just dont’ sell her at a garage sale. So — at her funeral, we had her cremated, and we put the 2 urns together side by side, and when they put her urn in the ground, his urn was put in beside her.

11. There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I dont’ think about her. She was such an intricate part of my life. She was Ethan’s best friend. He would call her “jsut to chit chat”. I miss her so much, but as time goes on, it doesn’t hurt quite as much. I can breath now when I think about her. I can think about her without crying. But it took me a long time to get to that point.

12. My mom was a sweet gentle soul. She took some hard knocks in life, and I probably wasn’t the easiest thing to have to deal with most of my life, but she loved me. She loved crafts and did lots of craft shows. Her hands were always busy. She was always helping people — doing transportation, or getting things for them if they needed it.

13. If your mom is still alive — go give her a hug, or tell her you love her. CAll her, email her — but don’t let another day go by without letting her know just how much she means to you. Don’t assume you have tomorrow. I did, and my tomorrow was taken away from me. I know she is looking over me, and I know she knows that I loved her. But I do regret not telling her. That it took her death to say those words to her out loud. Don’t assume. Just do it.

Links to Thursday Thirteens I have visted!
MommyK
Leanne
Enigma
Colleen
Lisa @ Just A Girl In The World
Sallwood
D
Tammy
Schooligan
Lisa @ Shizzlinlisa
Holly
Running2Ks
Chickadee
Squashed Toad
Better Safe Than Sorry
Lazy Daisy
Neville Farms
A DayIn The Life Of Veronika
Agog and Aghast
Diary of the Nello
fefyfomanna
Fond Of Snape
Give Me Something To Sing About
Happy At Home
His Phoenix
I’m Just Saying
Its Not Called SLO for nothing
Sleeping Mommy
(leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Gone, But Not Forgotten

 MISS ME - BUT LET ME GO

When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me:
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low;
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me — but let me go.
For this journey we all must take,
And each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the Masters plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart,
Go to the friends we know;
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds,
Miss me - but let me go

_______________________

If Roses grow in Heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my Mother’s arms
And tell her they’re from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her,
And when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
And hold her for awhile.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
But there’s an ache within my heart
That will never go away.
 

July 16, 1933 -
December 14, 2003

Apology

My aunt called today and asked me to apologize to Ethan. I wasn’t nasty to her, but I did tell her that I thought she needed to apologize to him herself. AND — I didn’t know this, and Ethan didn’t tell me… she HIT him yesterday when she was throwing her little fit. Its probably a good thing he didn’t say anything (although, I have spent a lifetime of teaching him that he needs “to tell” if someone does something to him.) She says she hit him pretty hard in the stomach. He says it wasn’t all that hard (after all, Mom, this is a 69 year old lady we are talking about). The “go to hell” remark hurt him more than the punch. But still….if I had known yesterday she had hit him as well as telling him where to go…. I would have lost it.

I’m convinced that its the steroids causing a good part of this — and she’ll be off them soon (I Hope!). So, I’m going to try and not react. I think I might also give her doctor a call tomorrow and run my thoughts past him about this.

But at least she apologized….

Long Entry Ahead

Today is: Wednesday
Only: 11 days until Christmas

CAUTION: Long entry ahead. I’m sure from the technical end, I will work on this through out the day, just saving in draft mode until I’m done; but for you, the readers, its just going to be one L - O - N - G entry, with subtitles. So, sit back, get comfortable… you are probably going to be here awhile…

Sunday
Sunday was a fairly busy day. Ethan did the “Special Music” for church — he sang “Thank You” by Ray Boltz. He had practiced and had it ready for the Sunday after Thanksgiving; but a cold and larangytis stopped him from doing it then. In this season of giving — both of material things, as well as of our time and service, it was still an appropriate song to sing. After church, he went with Paul to help with the service at the Meadows (an Assisted Living Facility). David still had lots of truck maintence stuff to do for his drivers, so he grabbed a hamburger at Sonic, and went on to do what he needed to do. I fixed lunch for Ethan and myself. Our minister and his wife had their annual open house, so we attended that. We were also supposed to go caroling that evening, but we didn’t. (And we heard about it ….)

Monday
I swear, I am ready to change my work day “out to the office” (of course, David’s response to this was, “You can — back to Saturdays”. Ah. No. ) Its not that I mind going out there and working Mondays. Its just enduring David’s stress level, when driver’s don’t do what they are supposed to do, or mill places break down, or trucks break down. And of course, it all happens on Monday. It doesn’t — really — but it does seem like Mondays never flow smoothly, and I know he gets frustrated, annoyed, upset, mad …. but, there are other things that do go right, and thats why he continues to do what he does. To prove to himself that he CAN do it, regardless of all the conflicts and plan changes that get thrown in his way.

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Houston, We have a problem

Today is: Tuesday
Only: 12 days until Christmas

For some, you haven’t heard a whole lot about my aunt. For others, you’ve heard more than any one person should have to hear in a lifetime. My aunt moved to Kansas a few years ago and my mom and her were two peas in a pod.

And then my mom died. And the care of my aunt was left to me. I gave it a valant effort for 2 years. But, her out of control diabetes, the congestive heart failure, kidneys shutting down, and her partial blindness — and the constance running to her apartment to “help” because she couldn’t function …. when a doctor put in motion a plan to have her live at a nursing home, for at least a while — I didn’t do anything to stop the process. She has been there since July. The apartment she lived in has been rented out to someone else. The nursing home IS her home. Like it or not.

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Picture Time

Today in Bullets

Monday
13 days until Christmas

These are all things I wanted to write about today, but chose to work on the above picture entry instead. So, this list is probably more for me that you, the reader, but nonetheless, this was MY day. I will try to eleborate on each and every one tomorrow.

Avoidance

I have been avoiding this all weekend. Which is silly. I have spent a lifetime of using words to survive. I have wrote when things have been not so good, in situations where my emotional well being has been on the line. And yet, now , my emotional being is in turmoil, and words faill me. Nothing I can write or say or think will…”make it all right”.

Something else that makes avoiding my blog this weekend silly is ….. its MY blog. Its not a homework assignment. Its not something I’m getting paid to do, or something expect of me. Its just a place to go to record my life, my thoughts, my feelings. And so, if I don’t want to share those words, or put a voice to the feelings, then that is my choice. So, seeing my actions of this weekend as one of avoidance is illogical. But, the emotional crisis, for the moment, has passed. Or maybe it wasn’t an emotional crisis. Maybe it was a physical one. In my heart of hearts, I believe the two to be connected, but which came first….the chicken or the egg.

PHYSICAL: My heart has been racing…or has it? I have felt it. Its erratic. And when I have checked it, its been on the low side like — around 60. My blood pressure has been a little higher than normal. I just haven’t felt right — mostly because I could feel the heart. Normally, I don’t. It made me jittery. Restless. Close to panic, but couldn’t really contribute it to anything.

EMOTIONAL:I don’t care what the calendar says. It has been a year. The calendar has determined that my mom died a year ago this Tuesday — December 14. But… for me, it has been an extremely rough weekend, emotionally. Between 10:00 and noon yesterday, it took a very concentrated, very conscious effort on my effort to not go off screaming, throwing things, just being an emotional basketcase in general. So, I internalized. Because…thats what I do. Friday night…a year ago, I sat in a chair, talking with my mom. We talked about Christmas, what we would be doing the next week. We talked about Ethan. We talked about the hospital, and how good it would be to be able to go home again. In my mind, I had decided that I would probably go home Saturday morning. I had been there since Thursday with her, and I needed to go hme and check on things ..and well…just get away from the hospital atmosphere. But Saturday morning found us with snow on the ground — and my mom had a headache. I decided I really didn’t want to drive in the inclement weather, so I stayed.

I didn’t realize that it was a life altering decision. No, by staying or going, it would not have made a difference to whether my Mom lived or died. But….I know me. If I had left, and things played out the way they did… I would have a whole lot more emotional baggage to deal with than I already do with this. I am so thankful that I stayed. That I was there during her last moments. That I experienced the whole thing. No,I’m not saying that I’m glad I experience watching my mom die. It all happened so quickly. One moment we were talking about “next week” ..and the next moment, her words became slurred, and the next moment she was gone. But … I think I was able to put closure to it somewhat by being there — by watching it happen from start to finish. If I had left, only to be called back to the hospital, or to be called and told that she was “gone” …. God was watching over me that day, and I know he knew what would be in my best interest, and he kept me there.

And now….a whole year has passed. A year that I didn’t think there was no way I could survive.

Life without my mom.

But….you do what you have to do. I haven’t liked it. I have spiraled out of control from time to time, looking, searching for a way to make the pain go away. But, it doesn’t work that way. Praying helps. Time helps. Its much like the ocean. There are days when I can think about it, about her, and very un-emotional think “Ok, she’s gone…thats part of life”. And then there are other days…when I can hardly catch my breath I miss her so much. The ebb and flow of emotion. Of acceptance. Of life. So, no …I don’t have to write in this blog about her. About my feelings. But, there I wrote last year — or had my DIL write when I wasn’t close to a computer. And I am glad those thoughts, those feelings are on permanent record somewhere. So, it is for that reason I write today. So, when I look back a year from now, I know that time does heal, and that not wanting to accept it is ok. That is all part of the process.

I miss you Mom.

Questions

Sunday
14 days until Christmas

You know, when you wake up and the self-talk starts before you even crawl out of bed, maybe you need to listen to that self talk. I seem to be in a stalemate with my life. I have always been a fighter, a survivor. At least with my life. I didn’t let it show. I don’t fight others. I just have a keen ability to keep everything in — at least what the world sees. I don’t keep it in, because I have wrote all my life. Pouring words and emotions, fears and failures, out on paper.

But. I seem to have lost that part of me. I still write. And occasionally, I tap into that inner part of me. But, I seem to have lost that “hope” that I would get better. That I would lose the weight. That I could be a better person. I am so tired of trying. But, I’m even tireder of being like this. Bottom line? I am miserable. I hate my life, and the person I am. Ironically, though, I do welcome my husband in my life. There was a time that I liked myself, but didn’t like him. Right or wrong though, he has stood strong, and seem me through some times, and I love him for that. Respect him for that. Overlook those things that I don’t like about our life together.

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