When Ethan first told me, I was livid. My aunt has made a few comments/remarks to me over the years, about my mom. And I have had to bite my tongue and just go on. This weekend was another one of those times. Although, out of this one, I have found peace, and a message, you might say.

When my aunt was throwing her little fit when I had told her “no” to taking her out last week because her blood sugar level was too low … one of the remarks she made to Ethan was “She is turning into her mom. Dropping me off here and then not doing anything for me”. OR — something to that effect. When he told me this — I was mad, all over again.

It wasn’t brought up out of the blue. She had already stepped on my last nerve Sunday, and Ethan and I were just talking about her. For instance … I don’t understand … she wants something done, something picked up for her, since she can’t go out and get it herself. OK. I understand that. And I don’t mind picking it up for her. But where it all breaks down is … because I personally don’t take it in to her and hand it to her … “I don’t do anything for her”. I have to buy it. I have to deliever it. Or it doesn’t count. I don’t go in alot of the times for numerous reasons. I have let myself get into such bad shape these days, that any amount of walking, no matter how little or how far, is painful and embarrassing, because I am out of breath. I also don’t like going in there because I know she will make some remark that will make me wish I hadn’t gone. And, nursing homes aren’t the easiest of places of visit. I do go visit her, but when its just “errands”, then alot of times, I let Ethan take it in to her. If she is getting what she needed/wanted … then why the attitude?

And just the fact she dragged my mom into our little fight. I think that upset me more than anything.

But yesterday, I realized that I wasn’t mad about it anymore. It occured to me that if my aunt thought that my mom had made her believe that she wasn’t doing anything for her — which I KNOW not to be true … they lived right across from each other… my mom coudln’t get away from her even if she had wanted to. But, I would venture to say this attitude of me turning into my mom has something to do with somewhere along the line, my mom must have told her “no” to something.

In that, I find peace. If my mom told her no, then its not just me who considers my aunt to be overbearing and pushy at times. If my mom told her no, then its a message to me that “its not just me”. This was like a message from my mom. That its OK to tell my aunt “no” — that it needs to be done from time to time. I’m not giving up on my aunt; but I am finding, that she is much like Ethan. She needs boundaries; and she is going to push those boundaries for all they are worth. I will also try to make a few more trips into her, to take her whatever it was she wanted, and not to depend on Ethan quite so much.

This isn’t the first time that I have “had a thought” or “gotten a feeling” or even had a dream, where my mom has comforted me and guided me where my aunt is concerned. And that helps, because the more my aunt pushes, the more I get angry at my mom for dying. And that is something I really don’t want to feel. My mom didn’t ask to die. She didn’t mean to leave me here along with this lady. But there are days, I’m tired of hurting, or fighting and I am angry at my mom. But. Not for long. Love wins over all, and mostly, I try to walk in her footprints, and be like she was. “Being like my mom” is a wonderful thing! and in that, I found peace.

Blessings to all.

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