Mission: To reclaim my focus and inner calm. To lead a healthy and happy life.
How to Accomplish: To consciously choose how I spend my time, and set a pace that right for me.
When I pass incontinence supplies in the store, I can’t help but reflect on the time I was given with my Aunt. She had many health issues, and incontinence was just one of the many things wrong with her. But it still didn’t stop her from showing her fiesty spirit. A spirit laced with independence, as well as love and a giving generosity that was uniquely hers. Its hard to believe that she’s been gone for over a year now. Christmas still seems hollow without my mom and her being a part of it. Reflecting on them and their lives, it makes me reflect on my own life, and what lies ahead. What I can do to leave a legacy of goodness like they did.
Finally, the first weekend in several that we can actually see across the street without all the snowin’ and blowin’ stuff going on. The sun has been shining brightly, reflecting off the glistening white snow — you can almost believe that its warm outside. But I don’t think we will be breaking out the Adidas golf shoes any time soon. We are still covered with snow, but it does feel good to see the sun again. I don’t do well on those days that its grey and drizzly. Even though I love snowcovered landscapes, and trees glistening with the frosty ice and snow … I gotta have my sunlilght. Today was a great day in that respect, and I’m hoping for many more. Winter is not one of my favorite seasons anyway, and when you through in the dark days, its hard to crawl out of bed, let alone try to get anything accomplished. But, it doesn’t work that way in my world, and crawl out of bed I do, and make it through my day at both jobs. I have some things in place, and have already taken step #1 to turn things around, and make 2008 a more productive and life-worth-enjoying kind of year. I can’t say that about 2007 I just got through it. Thats about all I can say about it.
I always forget how quickly David’s birthday comes after Christmas. Yes, its 2 days after Christmas, but somehow, it just seems like just hours from the one day to the next. But, I pretty much had my ducks in a row to know what I was doing for him. When we were going over the “what do you want for Christmas”, I said something to the effect of “I’ll just put some money in your Paypal account, and you can just buy your own gift”. And he lights up and says “that would be fine. I wouldn’t mind at all”. I didn’t do that for Christmas, but thats what I did for his birthday. That, and supper at Montana Mike’s in Emporia. We needed to go to Emporia anyway — my doctor wrote a new prescription and said it was only $4 at Walmart. Well, he was wrong, but we went prepared, taking a list of all the prescriptions that we take, and all the information about them, and got prices on each of them. We are definately moving some of them over. They also ship the prescriptions at no charge, so there is no reason to why we shouldn’t get those prescriptions that are only $4. Anyway, I hope David had a nice birthday. Granted, I’m sure he would have rather I had bought a couple of bustiers and modeled them for him this morning. But, the way I feel and look these days …. thats not going to happen. I feel bad about that, but that is what part of the doctor’s appointment was about yesterday, so I’m taking step 1, and with a little luck everything else will eventually fall into place.
Another Christmas behind us, and a new year speeding towards us like a runaway freight train. This week will be a time of reflection and thoughts of setting goals and preparing for what could new starts, new beginnings. As many others, I hate to set resolutions, because they are so final, setting yourself up for failure. Either you do them, or you don’t. But, with goals, they are something to obtain, and if you misstep along the way, its still OK. I have lots of goals, but still struggle with just getting through the day. So, today I’m implementing Step #1. I have a doctor’s appointment. It almost seems friviolous — I’m not “sick”. No cold, no flu, no migraine headaches, no unexplained medical/health things going on that need attention. But, the things I want to talk to him about do need attention. I can’t keep going the way I’m going; and if he has some answers, some medical suggestions or solutions, then I need to try. Sitting at home, just letting the fog get thicker and darker is not the solution. Putting the holidays behind me will also help. I’m just ready for the new year and new beginnings!!
In one of Ethan’s classes, the assignment was to come up with 7 or 8 songs that reflected their life. And then, as extra credit, take one of those songs and make a montage of their life. Ethan and his 2 cousins that are in the same grade — all 3 of them did the extra credit. And then gave ito us parents for Christmas. Roger got a new laptop and Mandy put hers on the new laptop. Aaron was done on a CD, and Ethan bought me (with his own money from working) a 4 gig flashdrive (to save all my graphic collections I buy all in one place, so if the laptop ever dies, I won’t lose all of them like I have in the past). His montage was on the flashdrive. So, the first thing I did after watching it (and crying!), was to upload it so I could add it here. Aaron had to run home and get his, but we got to see all three “projects” the kids did. What a wonderful Christmas present.
And the creative juices started flowing — these 3 are Juniors. Over the next 18 months, we are all going to try and put a collection together. What would be neat would to do a section for each individual kid, and then also a section of nothing but the 3 of them together. We all have pictures of them when they graduated preschool together– and then 8th grade. Now is the time to start working on this! These kids are so creative.
Ethan sang the song “Christmas Shoes” by Alabama for Special Music. I wish I had used the tripod instead of holding the camera this time, but nonetheless it still got recorded. It almost didn’t happen. The CD that he burnt wouldn’t work on the sound system at church. But someone had an orginal soundtrack of it, and she ran home and got it, and all was good. He was amazing considering the stressful 1/2 hour prior to that, not knowing if they would get the CD to play or not. As always, I’m proud of my kid.
Its easier to not write anything and let everyone believe that we are just caught up in the Christmas season, and not admit the truth that the Christmas Spirit has not landed here. Yes, the Christmas presents have been bought. They still need to be wrapped, but I can chalk it up to a “tradition” that its something David and I do Christmas Eve, after attending the annual Christmas Eve Service at church. I need to go back to work this afternoon, but I”m waiting on my boss to get back. We are still working on the bulletin for this evening. I just need to make a few corrections, and then it will be ready to run. But, I want him to look it over one more time before I run it. I had to leave at 11:00, instead of noon today … where Ethan works, they had a Christmas dinner catered for the employees and their families. Ethan’s lunch break was at 11:00, and he was to start work at 11:30. We turned in 2 names plus Ethan, but David got caught up in one of HIS boss’s plans, and they headed to Missouri last night to pick up a truck that had broke down (some several weeks ago). They haven’t made it back yet, but I wasn’t going to let Ethan down by not going. The food was really good, and I hope the employees appreciated their boss’s doing it. We have been in that position before — doing things for employees when you own a business.
This has been a rough month. It always will be, with the anniversary of my mom’s death in the month of December. But there are a few other things that have made it hard to get just get through the day, let alone in the Christmas Spirit. I feel bad that I don’t feel the things I know I should be feeling during this time. I fight tears most days. I don’t want to be around people. I am finding myself shutting down, which is a pretty standard action when I find myself having to face things, or deal with things…whether they are within my power to change or not change.
I do have a doctor’s appointment Wed. My primary reason is to talk to him about monitoring my Protime (the blood levels that are tested when you are taking Coumadin). The cardiologist in Topeka has always been the one to monitor it. But at my app’t with him last week, when we were talking about it, he said “who’s monitoring it, Dr. Braun?”. That told me that I do have another option, and I think I would just as soon have it monitored by my primary doctor who treats me for other things. But. Quite honestly, if I was just going for just the Protime, I probably would just have Topeka do it and go on. But, I have several other things I want to talk to him about …. weight loss pills possibly …. and also, maybe something for depression. I know I shouldn’t rely on medication to get me out of this funk that I”m in, but I can’t seem to be able to do it on my own, so I want to talk to him about it. Checking my protime just seems to be a good “in” to start with.
In the darkness, though, there is something I am looking forward to. Crowd of people and all. The Christmas Eve Service. Well…I am looking foward to it for the most part. Even it is tainted with a bit of worry and anxiety. The elders of the church have always given the staff a Christmas bonus. They used to give it at the Children’s program. And then more recently, the Sunday service before Christmas. But, they have done it neither time this year, so I can only sumiss they will do it tonight. Which means I will have to get up in front of the biggest gathering of people our church has of the year. I don’t like doing that under the best of days; and these aren’t the best of days. I just pray I can put the anxiety behind me for the moment, and soak in the service and find the true reason for the season.
When David and I went to Topeka the other day to do Christmas shopping, he asked me what I wanted. I told him what I wanted couldn’t be bought with money. There are several things along that line that I would like. Our dining could use a major decluttering. And alot of it isn’t mine, and so when I go to do something with it, I get overwhelmed, and thus, don’t get very far. So, I told him I would love for the dining room to be decluttered, guilt free — that I would come home one day from work, and it would be done. Something else I would like is for my heart to go back into rhythm. Without all the hoopla that my cardiologist would like to do to convert it (like shocking it … or putting me in the hospital for 3 days, giving me a special drug that maybe …. or may not, put it back in rhythm. When they first diagnoised me with Atrial Fib, I was in the hospital for 6 days … waiting for it to go back into rhythm, and it never did. So, I don’t hold out much hope now, some 4 years later. David got this glint in his eye. The conversation went something like this…
“I think I can help with this one” he says. 5:45 — tomorrow morning. You. Me. We are going to the Rec Center. Merry Christmas. Get used to it. We are going to go up and walk every day. I don’t care if you walk one lap or 100 laps …. ride the stationary bikes, use the elliptical machines… I don’t care. But you have to do something.”
And, after sitting through the appointment with my cardiologist Monday, that pretty much seal my fate. My cardiologist prescribed two things for me Monday. Coumadin. And exercise. He said they used to think that if you had a heart condition, you needed to take it really easy. But not anymore. Even those with weak hearts or waiting for transplants, they encourage to keep moving. To exercise.
So, thats what we are going to do. This is so much different than how I have always done it. Usually, I’ll get on a program, do well, and THEN start incorporating exercise. Not this time. I’m not on any kind of weight loss program. I haven’t figured that part out yet, what route I want to go. I’m starting with the exercise, and maybe, just maybe, weight loss will be a side effect of the walking. And even if its not, there are all kinds of other benefits that will be good for me.
Last night was the HIgh School Winter Music Program. It was orginially scheduled for last Monday, but bad weather rescheduled it to last night. I have attended every single Music Program Ethan has been in. It has been amazing, watching these kids take raw talent and evolve it into an enjoyable evening. We would “grin and bear it” when they were in grade school and middle school But, the last few years of High School performers, you can hear their voices maturing.
As I watched them sing, you couldn’t help but notice this big tall kid on the back row. ________________0________________. You have this row of singers, and the head level is pretty much level, all the way across. Except for Ethan. He stood a good head above everyone else. At 6′, that tends to happen. Seeing that, brought back a memory of when I was in high school, and in the choir, much like this one. I was a good kid, never got in trouble. I would go as far to say that I was probably one of those kids that pretty much went unnoticed. But this one particular day, it was the day of practice before the evening performance. And WHY she had never noticed this before, is beyond me, but the choir director got after me. She singled me out, and told me to stop playing around, and to get off the book, or I could go to the office. I was mortified. Maybe I wore shoes with a slightly higher heel that day. I don’t remember. But, she thought I was trying to be funny by standing on a book to make myself taller than everyone else. Ah. No. I WAS taller than most everyone else at that age. I remember a few kids coming to my defense, that I WASN’T clowning around. She came around to the back of riser to look, and then apologized. I think she was just stressing out because of the upcoming performance, and looking at that group of kids last night, and seeing my kid not being in the flow of unity that one would expect, I could see it through her eyes last night. But, as a shy high school girl some 30 years ago, who never ever got yelled at by a teacher, I didn’t like it one. bit.
David sent me on an errand yesterday after I got work because he wasn’t going to make it back to town before the Part Store he was needing to get a part from would close. I went down the same street that I always do to get to the main highway. Imagine my surprise to see this limo parked downtown. In a regular parking stall. I had to go in the other lane to go around it. But, being in a small town, there was no traffic, and so not a problem. Call me weird, but I knew if it was still there when I returned from picking up the part, I had to get a picture of it. If this wasn’t blogging material, I don’t know what is. In big town or cities, I know seeing a vehicle such as this is a common sight. But, in rural Kansas, this is not the common mode of transportation. I know these vehicles some times are used to transport celebs to drug rehab or to the latest award show. But based on where they were parked, I would venture to say they were either getting their hair done, or enjoying a nice meal at our town’s favorite and best Mexican food place.
I hope I sleep better tonight than I did last night. Usually, I have no problems whatsoever sleeping. We have a king size waterbed, and as soon as I crawl into bed, warmth and comfort surround me, and I am off to sleepy-land in no time. For some reason, though, last night I could not get comfortable. I would roll over from one side to the other, even on my back. I’m not sure what the problem was. I know at some point, we are going to have to trade in our waterbed for a real bed. But from what I have read (and experienced, when traveling and sleeping on regular mattresses), I think when the waterbed does go, I’m not going to settle for anything less than a memory foam mattress. I need something that conforms to my body, and allows the same comfort that our waterbed normally gives. Hopefully last night was just a fluke and sleep comes easily and I stay asleep all night. I don’t see how David does it. He says he doesn’t get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. I wouldn’t be able to function if that was normal for me. Course, having sleep apnea doesn’t help. The CPAP machine though makes a huge difference, and I enjoy a good nights sleep. Gotta have it!
A few years ago, our Sunday School class went together and bought new baby furniture for the nursery. The furniture that had been in there previously had been there for what seemed forever. We got in there, painted the walls, put up a Noah’s ark tapestry. New toys were bought, changing table, a rocking chair. We went through the toys and discarded the old and broken ones and purchased new ones. Because our church is taking on a younger family trend, Link To Copy: baby cribs were needed as well. Now when you walk into the nursery, it is a warm and inviting room, staffed with loving people to watch the little ones, while mom and dad can spend time in worship. I know money can’t buy everything, but money spent on this room makes all the difference in the world.
This Afternoon
Snow Early In The Afternoon…Then Chance Of Snow Late In The Afternoon. New Snow Accumulation Up To 1 Inch. Highs Around 25. North Winds 15 To 20 Mph.
I’m glad I really don’t have to get outside for anything today. David is out in it — as far as traveling in one vehicle or another. He and another guy went to Emporia to pick up a truck, and take another one on out to Florence; but he isn’t have to work out in the cold, so that’s good. Ethan has to go to work at 2:30. Its less than a mile to drive, so he should be OK. Its not icy. Just cold - cold- cold, and snow. Our Sunday School class is having a Progressive Supper tonight. David will go if he gets done working in time; but I had made my mind up a while back not to go. And just some things that are going on confirmed it even more that I wasn’t going. So, I’m not venturing out.
Its not as bad as it could be, nor as bad as some parts have gotten. It was so weird. Looking at the radar on my cell phone, there is this massive blue area headed our way. When it gets to our area, with the X, its like the parting of the sea. Its goes above us and below us, but we weren’t getting any snow. We did wake up to some snow, but not the 7 - 10 inches they predicted. We probably had 2 inches this morning, and then its snowing now, and the wind is blowing. Brrrrr. We have lucked out twice now. The ice storm that came through earlier this week did the same thing. I’m sure, however, we will get ours sometime this winter. We always do.
Its still a work in progress, but I took one of my domains that was just sitting there, with just a couple of entries written since October, and have totally turned directions with it. The domain name still fits what I am doing with it, and I believe will be a blog that I can go to daily, and have something to write about. There is a project out that that has been going on for years. I tried doing it several years ago. I never finished it, but I remember marking several things off the list. Its 101 things in 1001 days. The principle is to make a list of 101 things you would like to do, accomplish, finish, etc, in the next 1001 days. At Day Zero you can add your list your list too, and check out others who are doing the same thing. Its interesting to see everything people would like to do.
My list is still coming together. But, that is one of the things I want to do. Create the list. And I decided I wasn’t going to wait until I got it all figured out. I keep making myself little notes when I think of things, so I can go in and add them to the list later. Some of the things can be done in a simple one action step. Others will take more. Some are silly. Some are practical. Some are worthwhile things to accomplish. Like getting my heart back in rhythm. I’m going to document my steps of what I am doing there. I am in such a funk right now, and its not getting any better. If this simple little list sparks something in me to get things accomplished, then it serves its purpose right there.
What are you doing in the next 1001 days?
Ethan is your typical teenage boy and he loves his car, and once he gets a few of his bills paid (consequences of the fender benders he has had).he is wanting to start buying a few accessories for his car. Some practical (like new tires), some not so practical, but hey, thats just part of being a teenager. And a boy at that. There are lots of men who still haven’t grown up where their cars are concerned. Buying hot rods and sports cars. Spinning around town in a Corvette, complete with Corvette headers and other things that make it the hot car around town. I’ve come to the conclusion that the only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.
I was taken back when he told me, and I’m not sure why. Life goes on. People come. People go. But, I suppose it still always comes as a bit of shock, when someone who has lived here all their lives, their children were born and raised here, makes a decision to move. The king of the treadmills, our rec center director, has taken another job in another town. Actually, I don’t know if they are moving. I just know that he has accepted another job in another town. And its further than just a mile or two down the road. Maybe they won’t move. Maybe he’ll drive back and forth. Or maybe he’ll stay there during the week, and come home on the weekends. Who knows. It doesn’t really matter. It is just a little unsettling when something or someone that has been someplace “forever”, isn’t anymore. Its called change. Its called life. But there are times I just don’t deal with change or with life very well.
I blame it on this funk I’m in. I can’t help but think “Oh. Great. *loud sigh” — when my phone makes this thundering sound. What does that mean? I have AccuWeather on my cell phone, and when my zip code is under any kind of warning, it text messages me with a thundering-type noise. We are under another Winter Storm Warning. We just finished with the Ice Storm conditions we had been warned about. I know, I know. Its winter. What do you expect. I suppose its time to drag out the fleece jackets and resolve myself to the fact that we can be cold for the next few months. I hate being cold. I hate the cold dreary days. And for some reason, I am resisting and resenting them more than usual this year. I have really got to pull myself up by the bootstraps and snap out of it. Winter is just one of those things you have to go through to appreciate the new growth of spring and the warmness of summer. Its all part of the cycle of life.
When Matt was applying for his house loan, he had 101 different questions. It was a new experience for him, and he wanted to make sure he knew everything he should know going into such a comittment. One thing we told him to ask about was mortgage life insurance. When we bought our house when we lived out in the country, that is something that we did. It reassuring to know that a home, once loved and shared with a loved one, doesn’t become a source of debt and worry because a spouse dies. I know there are different circumstances for different people, but adding that extra feature of insurance that pays the house off if one of them dies, is something I know I would recommend taking advantage of when you are taking out a house loan.
We were very fortunate today. We went to bed last night, expecting the worst. We expected to wake up to winter wonderland kind of world — roads and trees covered with ice, no power …. and for people to the north and east of us, thats exactly what they experienced. But, we were right on the fringe of it, and continue to get rain throughout the day. The superintendent is going to have a hard time living this one down. This school district is known for not closing school very often, even on days everyone else really thought school should have been dismissed or canceled. But. He canceled school last night for today, based on what was predicted. Only, it missed us. So, he canceled school. On account of rain.
I was just getting to write that I’m sure he will be waiting until tomorrow morning to make a decision for tomorrow…. but we just turned the 10:00 news on, and our school is included in the cancelations. Ethan will be happy. Even though he didn’t have school, when we were at the grocery store last night, he did go talk to the manager to let them know that since there was no school today, that he was available to work today. He knows there are people who work there that live out in the country or out of town, and could possibly call in that they couldn’t make it in. While he was waiting to talk to the manager, one of the owners of the store stopped and asked what he needed. She was very happy to hear he was willing to work, and took him to the office to give him a schedule time. He worked from 8:30 this morning until 5:30….actually, until 6:30. He was scheduled to get off work at 5:30; but they asked him if he could work another hour, to get them through the 5:00 rush, which he did. He is already scheduled to work tomorrow, so even though he doesn’t have school, he can stay home until his scheduled time. Unless they call him. I would say if they call him, he need to go in; but he doesn’t need to volunteer to work extra hours tomorrow.
I worked at the church, but didn’t go out to the trucking company. Because I was already at the church, and not working the hours I should at the trucking company, I went ahead and worked until 4:00 this afternoon. I worked on getting the newsletter ready — it needs to be mailed out by Thursday of this week. By doing that, if the road conditions are less than favorable tomorrow, I can stay home without worrying what needs to get done at the church. And, if the roads are good, and I can go to work there, then I may go ahead and get the newsletters out a day early. Won’t hurt anything to do that. And since alot of the details of things in the newsletter are for this weekend’s activities, the sooner they get out, the better.
Gordon talked about “Serenity” in his message today. What brings it. What keeps us from it? Contentment for one. As a Christian, You have to be content with what you have, who you are, and know what role God plays in your life to achieve contentment. This makes so much sense, and something I want to achieve this next year. But, I have 20 days of December to still get through. Can I live another 20 days in discontent? No. I can start laying the foundation. Set goals, and, I don’t have to wait until January 1 to start implementing them. Start now. Start slow. Start with baby steps. Blogging is something I like to do, and yet, my actions say other wise. And in some ways, it brings me a greater sense of discontentment than the contentment something I love should bring. How can I change that?
By backing off. By being happy with what I have. Simplify things. Don’t continue to search for that “perfect layout”. Keep the theme changer, but narrow the list back to 2 or 3. Do the same over at Quiet Time. Or not. Over there, its all about the things I love, and I love graphics and such. The themes I have over there are from graphic artists. They aren’t WP themes that I have tried to decorate with my own creativity. I need to go about the computer and blogging in a more organized way. Don’t give up the every blogging. That is a part of who I am. I paper journaled before blogging, and I blogged long before the paid blogging. Putting it away and saying I wasn’t going to have anything to do with it is unrealistic. But, like many other areas in my life, a little (alot!) structure wouldn’t hurt. A goal I would like to set for myself is to set up a routine for what I need to do, with my blogging. And set a time limit on it. An hour. Two hours tops. Go in, do an every day entry here. Do an everyday entry at Quiet Time. And if I got really good at this, my weight loss blog doesn’t have to be a weight loss one. It could center around weight in general. If I’m not losing, write about it, what going on in my head about it. And believe me, there is lots in that area going on in my head.
After doing the “this is what is going on today” entries in those blogs, move to paid blogging, and do what needs to be done there. If I did it right, I could get all the PU2B ones done over the weekend, and focus on PPP, and whatever works for this blog, work those in. Spend 30 minutes visiting and commenting. And I’m done. Move on. To something else. Un-computer related.
Sounds simple. And I would venture to say how most bloggers structure their internet world. Unfortunately, my life is so unstructured. Its time for structure. I’ve said that for a long time. The time is now.
This Afternoon
Cloudy With A 20 Percent Chance Of Light Freezing Drizzle And Sleet. Highs Around 25. North Winds 5 To 10 Mph.
Even though my family is out and about, I’m not venturing out. It was “traumatic” enough for me just attending church. David did call and told me to go in the circle drive the wrong way, which would put the driver’s side towards the building, and he’d be watching for me. Once I got there, he came out, I got out of my Explorer, and made my way the few short feet to the inside of the building. It had been scraped and salted, but it was still sleeting, and, it was still a bit icy. Granted, I think part of it was just my own fear, being afraid to fall (I’ve been there and done that, and me falling would not be a good deal). My heart was pounding, and I just felt real fear, as I made my way to the building. And of course, we have the same scenerio once church was over. That was enough getting out for me.
With the weather the way it, David may have to rework all the loads he had scheduled for his drivers. One or two of them have said they would just as soon not drive in weather conditions like this, so he needs to refigure everything. So, he went out to the office.
And Ethan, sadly, is at a funeral. He had to work today, but they have been really flexible with the kids the weekend, and their schedules. I’ve really gone back and forth about whether or not I should be there. I didn’t know Andrew, but I did know his mom. More in passing, even though she is like, a third generation cousin to David. So, I left it up to Ethan to what I should do. I felt like I should be there for him, if for no other reason, but he said he would probably be sitting with his friends. The funeral is being held at the school. Visitation was from 4:00 - 6:00 last night. But, it was at least after 8:00 before the family was able to leave. Ethan called at 7:15 (he went up there at 5:00), and said he just left the funeral home. Literally hundreds of people there. Selfishly, I am glad Ethan said he didn’t need me there. A funeral is hard enough to deal with under the “best” of circumstances (and there are never any good circumstances). But a funeral for a child just a year older than your own, with hundreds of youth at this funeral … I’m at a place emotionally right now … its not something I really wanted to go through. My mom died December 14 (2003) … thats just a few day from now, and, that has me at “a place” emotionally, that is making me having to deal with my emotions and feelings. However, if Ethan had told me he really wanted me there — I would have put my own emotions and feelings aside and I would have been there for him. Ethan has should be a side of maturity this week through this whole ordeal; and so I trust him when he tells me that it was ok for me not to be there.
There has been alot going on, things that make you stop and reflect. Amidst all this reflection, I am faced with a decision. If you read this blog regularly, you know that I have a condition called Atrial Fib. My heart is out of rhythm. Its been that way for several years now. After lots of testing, it was determined that I had severe sleep apnea, and that is what has caused it. So, I sleep with a CPAP machine every night, and the Atrial Fib has come and gone. In recent months, its has come, and it has stayed. My cardiologist has wanted to take several courses of action, but several factors have stopped me. No insurance for one. But there are other reasons as well. And, I’ve been told that for the most part, it being out of rhythm isn’t hurting my heart. The main thing that can happen when its out of rhythm is because its not pumping the blood correctly through the heart, the tends to pool in the chambers, and the risk of a clot is present. Taking Coumadin helps deal with that. And for years, I took my Coumadin faithly, went for my weekly or monthly Protime checks. But. Somewhere along the line this year … this mental funk I’m in … I stopped taking my Coumadin. I do continue to take the Toprol, because it keeps the heart from racing, and when I don’t take it, it makes things alot worse than they already are.
I received a postcard saying it was time for my yearly check with my cardiologist. Monday, the 17th. So, I’ve been stressing out. Keep the appointment? or cancel? if I keep it, tell him everything is fine … he used to hearing my heart out of rhythm, and he has “dealt” with me before, so, pretty basically, he tells me what he would like to do, but the choice is mine to do or not do. And so far, I have always chosen “not to do”.
One of the things he wants to do is doing a nuclear stress test. I have a real emtional fear of this test. My mom had one, everything showed she was fine … and two weeks later, she had a heart attack. A couple years later, she went in the hospital for some tests, again, she had a nuclear stress test, and she died the next day. 3 week later, my Atrial Fib was discovered, and I was rushed to the hospital, and spent 6 days in the hospital , with them trying to get it back into rhythm. A very emotional time for me. Same hospital, same doctors, same tests …. at one point they had to move patients around, and they moved me into the room my mom had died it. I lost it. So, when he wanted to do a nuclear stress test on me, I just. could. not. do it.
Fast forward a couple years. He still wants to do the test, I still don’t want to do it. At the last appointment, he wanted to put me in the hospital and give me some special medicine that could possibly make the heart go back in rhythm. He also would like to try shocking it. Here’s the kicker though. Both of these things …. if the odds were good that these things would work, I would probably do them. But. There is a chance either way, they won’t work. Or, they could work, and 2 days later, my heart could go back out of rhythm. With no insurance, I have a real hard time incurring thousands of dollars for something that may not work or if it did work, could quit working within a couple of days. No one knows. So, I made the choice not to have them done.
Once again, I’m face with these same choices, these same decisions. With the death of Ethan’s friend this week, he is emotionally raw, and it has made me realize that maybe I need to step back up to the plate and do some things to improve the quality of my life, not to mention doing things that I know need to be done, with this condition. Like, take my presciptions like I’m supposed to. Go take those blood tests.
Ethan’s reaction, when he learned of the death of his friend was “I have to go call my mom”. He need me. He needed the comfort of my voice. Of my words. He. Needed. His. Mom. That was kinda a wake up call for me. I have sunk low enough in this funk that, even though I’m not contimplating suicide or anything like that, I often think that things would be better if I wasn’t here. Yes, even to my husband and child. I don’t cook very often anymore. The house is a mess. I feel like a failure as a wife and a mom. And yet … when his REACTION was - that he needed me…he didn’t think about it, he just instinctively reached for me, I realized, that maybe, just maybe I am doing something right. And in conversations since then, he has expressed very emotionally, that I need to do whatever it takes to insure the length of my life, because if I die right now, he will not be able to handle it. Well — yes, he would deal with it, and life would go on. But, if I love him, and his dad, then I owe it to them to make some changes here, and make some hard decisions. And, even selfishly, I need to do it for me. I feel like cruddy all the time now. And I’m sure the heart is playing a large part of that.
At the very least, I need to get back on the Coumadin regiment. Financially, that is manageable. The presription itself is around $70 a month. And the blood tests are $40 each. Since I haven’t taken it for awhile now, if it goes like it has in the past, I will have to go for blood tests every few days the first few weeks;and then eventually, it will go to once a week, and once they get the level of Coumadine where it needs to be, then we can level off to once a month.
To me, there have been lots of “God-Whispers” lately that this is the right thing to do. Heart articles that keep popping up. Cheney going into the hospital for his Atrial Fib. Coming across blogs that has a family member that has Atrial Fib. All reminders of how serious this condition really is, and I really need to deal with it better. Ethan needing me, I need to deal with it better. I think I finally get it.
The reprieve? I’ve been thinking, reflection, stressing all week, and now all weekend about just how I wanted my cardiologist appointment to go this Monday ….. and I was putting Ethan’s work schedule in day planner, and I realized, I’m a week off. My apointment is the 17th. Which is next Monday, not this Monday. So, I have another week to figure out just exactly what I’m going to do.
Tonight
Cloudy. Patchy Drizzle…Light Freezing Drizzle In The Evening…Then Slight Chance Of Snow…Light Sleet…Patchy Light Freezing Drizzle And Slight Chance Of Light Freezing Rain After Midnight. Lows Around 28. Northeast Winds 10 To 15 Mph. Chance Of Measurable Precipitation 20 Percent.
I’m glad its Friday. With this in the forecast, I have no desire to get out for any reason. We had one bad day this week, but got lucky. It was sleeting when I went to work, but was able to get into the building without much trouble. But you could just see the world outside turning into a skating rink of ice. It was then I realized that I didn’t have an ice scraper in the Explorer. At home, its parked under the carport, so I never have to scrape ice on icy winter mornings. But, my boss was there, as well as one of the guys that attends our church, but helped in the building of our new church building, and he spends alot of time there doing odds and ends. He is working nights these 2 weeks, so seeing him every morning when he works nights, is pretty much routine. I asked him if he would go out and start my Explorer — that was about 30 minutes before I was due to leave. Plus, sometime during the morning, the temps had raised just a bit, and the ice on the sidewalks had turned to slush and water. The defroster on my Explorer did a good job melting the ice off my windshield, so I was good to go. My afternoon job allows me the benefit of parking under a carport, so scraping my windshield there wasn’t an issue either.
Al did suggest something, and it is definately on my “I want this for Christmas” list. I thought we had to buy a newer vehicle to get this, but he said no, well…. yes, you can buy some of the newer vehicles with this feature. But if your present vehicle doesn’t have it, there is a plug type thing you can wire into some of the older vehicles, and I would be able to start my Explorer from inside. I don’t know how expensive they are, and how difficult they are to install. But I want David to at least check into it, and see what all it involves. I hate winter and the icy conditions that are often a part of it. Anything to make getting to and from work a bit easier is definately something I want!
But, in the meantime, at least for tomorrow, I think I’m staying put!
