With the changes I would like to incorporate, I am drawn to thoughts about the areas in my life that I often recommit to. Weight loss. My faith walk with God. House cleaning. Blog organization. More socialable…both in real life and in the blogging world. A better mom. These are all things that I want to improve in my life. These are areas I feel like I am a failure, at time, if not all the time. Just the fact that I recommit, over and over, is a sure sign that I am a failure.

I don’t understand why I can’t get my body to get in line with my head. When I’m at work, I think about the things I would like to be doing at home, getting things organized and in order. But when I finally get home, its like I enter a force field that zaps any energy that I might have. Very often, I will find myself, sitting down “for just a minute”, only to wake up from a nap. Which sometimes helps, just that short little capnap. But, still, its frustrating, and overwhelming. Where to start. And what to do.

Is it recommittment? or procrastination? laziness? a side effect of the heart being out of rhythm, and maybe I need to take the step and follow some recommendations my cardiologist has suggested.

Or maybe I can just go back to bed, cover my head with the covers, and not commit to anything. Will that work? Looking at everything on the calendar for December, that is definately what I would like to do. But. “Like to do” and actually doing … will probably be two different things. I do need to work through this black hole I’m in. The fog is getting thicker and thicker and I don’t have the energy, it seems, to work myself out of it. But I know I need to. So, I will continue to at least work at it, try to commit, to plan, to set goals. At some point, something will click and things will engage, and life will begin again.