I can be such a duffus sometimes.  This morning was a classic example.  I don’t even know my own son.  How bad is that???   It went something like this …

Every Monday morning, our minister, our youth director, and I meet at 8:00 to go over our calendars, share concerns that we might have, and then a short devotional.  The phone rings, and we joke that it is probably David or Ethan.  The minister tells him that his mom has flown north — that she went to Alaska.  We all laughed, and then I got up and answered the distressed child’s call. 

Child: “Mom…can you go home and get my binder?”

Me: “Right now?  I’m in a meeting”

Child: “Well, as soon as you can.  I’m in class”.

Me: “*sigh. Ok.  Where is it?” 

Child:  “The kitchen counter, I think”.

Me:  “Ok, I’ll get it, but AFTER the meeting.  I’m not leaving now”.

Child: “Ok”.

Now granted … I remember thinking he sounded a little different, but I justified it in my head that he is just getting over a bronchitis and laryngitis.   But the real clue should have been “binder” …. “kitchen counter”.   Binder would imply that he actually brought the binder in and maybe actually did homework.    But, again, I justified it in my head that maybe he needed to get some papers out of it, and thats why he brought it in. 

Ok.  So I go back to the meeting.  We finish up.  The Youth Director leaves to go to “other job”, and the minister and I talk a little bit … and then I get up and tell him I’ll be back.  I have to go get a binder and take it to the school.

I get home.  I go to the kitchen.  No.  Binder.    I walk the house.  Still no. binder.

I call the school.   I refuse to leave a message.  I want to talk to Ethan.  And I wait for him to get on the phone.

Me:  “What am I suppose to get for you?”

Ethan:  “What?”

Me:  “Binder.  Remember?  You called me.  I. Need.  My.  Binder.”

Ethan: “Mom?  I didn’t call you”

By now, the lights are going off …  I hadn’t been talking to my child.  And now I’m worried, because some kid out there thinks his mom is going to be bringing up his binder, and the mom is going to be clueless, when he gets mad at her for not doing it. 

On the way back up to the church, I call David, just to give him the laugh for the day.  Being the brilliant man he is (I never claimed to be the brightest crayon in the box) — he put 2 and 2 together.  The child I probably talked to was the Youth Director’s son.  He’s in middle school, his voice has already changed to that bass sounding man voice, like Ethan’s.  And…when he called, he probably just asked for “Mom” … and our minister is so used to Ethan calling and asking for “Mom”.  I don’t feel quite so bad though — if our minister thought it was Ethan as well, then it wasn’t just totally me being a duffus.

By the time I had gotten back to the church, the Youth Director was on the phone with the minister — she had called to stop me from having to go home (too late) — her kid called and wanted to know when she was going to bring his binder.  I can only imagine the conversation there …  “you did not call me”.  “Yes, I did.  You were in a meeting with Gordon”.  The things he said, finally clicked that it was HIM who called and I talked to — and he thought he was talking to HIS mom.

What a hoot.  We aren’t going to forget this for some time to come.  I’m going to have to give Alex a hard time when I see him.

I’m glad I had a good day.  David sure didn’t.  It was most definately “A” Monday for him.  Started out bad, and went downhill from there.  As for me, it was a nice quiet morning at the church.  I got stuff ready for the board meeting tonight.  Didn’t have to do prayer cards because where I have been buying them, they haven’t restocked since the last time I was in there.  Our treasurer bought some nice cards for the elders to send throughout the year to the people that are on their shepherding list. so I’m going to have him order some for me, and pay him, and I’ll be all set for next month.   My boss (our minister) is wanting to get his sermons added to the church’s website, and since this is the “off” week (i.e. — no newsletter to get out), this would be a good time to work on that.

I had a nice lunch with a friend.  David was going to join us, but at the last minute, he got a call about truck trouble, so he had to go deal with that.  I ordered him something to go, and took it out to the office, so that worked.

His afternoon continued to escalate into disaster, with more calls about truck trouble.  When it rains.  It pours.  Monday’s are typically billing for me.  But, he has to check through the paperwork first, adding pay #s, and making sure the driver’s billed the load at the correct amount.   He never got that far.  The envelopes are still sitting where he put them Saturday when the driver’s gave them him.  Didn’t break my heart that I didn’t have to do them.  I was able to work on some other things — got the checks worked up from the weekend ready for a deposit;  after that, I just had some loose ends that have been sitting there for a while.  So, thats a good feeling, to be that much more caught up.   Now, to just get the billing done tomorrow.  Assuming he gets it checked.   He’d better!   But, I can’t say much.  He did . not.  have. a good day.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Somedays, I feel like I am juggling one ball too many. And I’m going to drop it, and the rest of them will come tumbling down as well. I did make a list over at my Life Simplified blog, and that has helped quite a bit … calming the anxiety of knowing I am probably going to forget to do something, as well, as the satisfaction of crossing things off. It just seems to draw all these things I have “out there” all in together, and make order of them, in a simplified way.

I realized though, that I’m focusing on blogging about all this stuff, which is fine — I have always enjoyed working through workbooks and studies and such, even before computer days, so bringing it to the table with my blogging is just an extention of that. But, it dawned on me that I’m leaving an important part of blogging out these days, and I need to draw that back in. Day. to. Day. life. Yes, even with the workbooks and studies, it draws “me” stuff in, sharing with you, the reader, things about me, thoughts, my past, dreams of the future, etc. But, I have dropped the ball on doing the day-to-day kind of blogging.

Part of the reason is because I feel like I’m in a rut. I do the same thing, every day. Work at the church, work at the trucking company, go home. Even the weather hasn’t changed much lately. Cold. Cold. Cold. I’m still working on the directory. I’m still working on the IFTA report. Same Old, Same Old. But, by not blogging about “my everyday stuff”, I feel like I am missing a fundemental part of blogging…or journaling. I love it when we are talking about something, and we can’t quite remember all the details of that particular event, and I am able to draw up my archives, and say “OK, this is what happened, and what day it happened on”. When I’m actually “in the day”, it doesn’t seem important. But….a year from now, 5 years from now…10 years from now…. its important to me. Esp. now. My memory is lapsing. Ethan and I dispute from time to time “just what happened”. And alot of times, its just simple stuff.

So, I am sorry if I bordeline being dull and blogging about the same stuff, day after day. But. That is my life, and I want to bring that part of me back to my blogging. Yes, I’m glad I have been able to incorporate some of the other stuff as well. But, I need to take this back to the basics, and then do the other stuff afterwards.

It just seemed to be one of THOSE days. Not terribly bad, but just little annoyance things. Starting with my Explorer not starting this morning. And normally, this would have been a huge hassle; but earlier this week, we ended up playing “musical vehicles” again. My middle son has been looking for a different vehicle, and he’s been driving our Ford Ranger. David’s boss decided this week to sell his little Ford Ranger. So… Matt bought our Ford Ranger, and we bought Wayde’s. David’s Ranger is a stick shift, so I couldn’t ever drive it. The one we just bought from Wayde is an automatic. So, that right there, is worth the trade. For days like today.

And then after school, Ethan went out to his car to go to work… and he had a flat tire. So, I had leave work early, go pick him up, and take him to work. He called when he got off work, and David and him went and aired the tire up, and Ethan drove it home. Tomorrow, Ethan needs to take it to our local gas station, and get it fixed. This isn’t the first time its happened, and its getting old. We should have made him walk; but he was already late for work, and out of respect to his job, I did come in and get him to work. I also brought a deposit from the trucking company, so it wasn’t “all” about Ethan — me leaving work early. I am going to have a short paycheck all the way around this week, which will be fine. But I need to hit the hours next week and work a full week.

I’m just glad its the weekend. Yes, its been a short week. But. I’m ALWAYS ready for a weekend.

(4/365)

Its been a long day, and I am ready to go to bed, even though Jay Leno isn’t on. We usually stay up and watch him, but I’m thinking tonight, he’s going to have to go on without us. I got the newsletters done and out, so thats a relief. I do have the bulletins to do tomorrow. I usually have them already done and ready to be proofread by Monday or Tuesday. But this week has been one of those weeks. I didn’t work at the church Monday (although, I did go out and work at the trucking company, and did a years worth of filing [grin] — ok, not quite, but there was quite a bit. So, I didn’t work at the church Monday, or Tuesday. Yesterday, I worked up the newsletter, and today, corrected my errors, added a few things, copied it and got it ready to mail. You wouldn’t think 250 newsletters would take that long to get ready to mail. But, we use 11 x 17 paper, and the first fold, I have to do by hand. After that, I insert a prayer request sheet, and then take the stack into my little work room, and run them through a folding machine, that folds it in half. After that, I put labels on all of them, and tape the bottom and one of the sides, as required by the post office.

At any rate, go them done, and in the mail. David came to town, and we headed to Emporia for a meeting. We thought we were going to be late. Before we even left town, he had to take a detour because the hwy traffic was being stopped to let a funeral procession enter the highway from the church that is there. He stopped at the grocery store to get something to eat, and several miles down the road, we caught up to the funeral procession. So, he took a back road, and we got to the interstate that way. But not before incountering a train, that we had to wait for. We finally got to the interstate, made good time, and ended up having 30 minutes to spare. Thats good. I’d rather be early than late…although, typically, I always run late.

After the meeting, we hit Walmart. $200 later …. Actually, $200 later, and then a stop at the courtesy booth to get part of our money back. They had long sleeve shirts on sale … $3.00 each. I think we ended buying 20 or 25 of them. He can use them as work shirts, plus I’m sure Ethan will lay claim to some of them. At $3.00 each, we couldn’t pass them up. However, 3 of them got run up at $11.00 each. So, he had the girl at the courtesy desk check them, to see what happened. As they are doing that, we discover that we got a little over exuburant in our shirt buying … a few of them were legitamately $6.00 each. He didn’t want those. So, she refunded us the money on those shirts, and then also refunded the different between $11.00 and $3.00 on the others. It amounted to over $50 back, so it was worth the time and effort to do what we did.

The main reason we went to Walmart was to get one of David’s prescriptions filled. We decided to check into and take advantage of Walmart’s $4.00 a precription plan. Not all of our prescriptions are in the program, but enough of them are to make it worthwhile doing. And they will ship them to us free of charge, so “running to Emporia” doesn’t have to factor in either. The prescription he had filled tonight normally cost $23-something. He got it for $4.00 One of mine falls in the $4.00 plan, and the other one doesn’t. My doctor just put me on another prescription, and it doesn’t either — but the pharmacist told us of a similar drug to what he prescribed that is in the program. I took the information, called my doctor; and they called back this week, and he said to go ahead and take the month supply that I had already bought, but we could switch to the other brand then, and go with it from then on out. David takes 6 prescriptions, and I take 3, and no insurance. So, any help we can get with our meds, we are going to take advantage of.

And now we are home, and I’m ready to go to bed. But, since I have been on the go since this morning, not even a lunch break … I didn’t want to mess up Blog 365 just the 3rd day in. Now I’m off to bed. Night all!

(3/365)

In one of Ethan’s classes, the assignment was to come up with 7 or 8 songs that reflected their life. And then, as extra credit, take one of those songs and make a montage of their life. Ethan and his 2 cousins that are in the same grade — all 3 of them did the extra credit. And then gave ito us parents for Christmas. Roger got a new laptop and Mandy put hers on the new laptop. Aaron was done on a CD, and Ethan bought me (with his own money from working) a 4 gig flashdrive (to save all my graphic collections I buy all in one place, so if the laptop ever dies, I won’t lose all of them like I have in the past). His montage was on the flashdrive. So, the first thing I did after watching it (and crying!), was to upload it so I could add it here. Aaron had to run home and get his, but we got to see all three “projects” the kids did. What a wonderful Christmas present.

And the creative juices started flowing — these 3 are Juniors. Over the next 18 months, we are all going to try and put a collection together. What would be neat would to do a section for each individual kid, and then also a section of nothing but the 3 of them together. We all have pictures of them when they graduated preschool together– and then 8th grade. Now is the time to start working on this! These kids are so creative.

Ethan sang the song “Christmas Shoes” by Alabama for Special Music. I wish I had used the tripod instead of holding the camera this time, but nonetheless it still got recorded. It almost didn’t happen. The CD that he burnt wouldn’t work on the sound system at church. But someone had an orginal soundtrack of it, and she ran home and got it, and all was good. He was amazing considering the stressful 1/2 hour prior to that, not knowing if they would get the CD to play or not. As always, I’m proud of my kid.

Christmas Shoes

Its easier to not write anything and let everyone believe that we are just caught up in the Christmas season, and not admit the truth that the Christmas Spirit has not landed here. Yes, the Christmas presents have been bought. They still need to be wrapped, but I can chalk it up to a “tradition” that its something David and I do Christmas Eve, after attending the annual Christmas Eve Service at church. I need to go back to work this afternoon, but I”m waiting on my boss to get back. We are still working on the bulletin for this evening. I just need to make a few corrections, and then it will be ready to run. But, I want him to look it over one more time before I run it. I had to leave at 11:00, instead of noon today … where Ethan works, they had a Christmas dinner catered for the employees and their families. Ethan’s lunch break was at 11:00, and he was to start work at 11:30. We turned in 2 names plus Ethan, but David got caught up in one of HIS boss’s plans, and they headed to Missouri last night to pick up a truck that had broke down (some several weeks ago). They haven’t made it back yet, but I wasn’t going to let Ethan down by not going. The food was really good, and I hope the employees appreciated their boss’s doing it. We have been in that position before — doing things for employees when you own a business.

This has been a rough month. It always will be, with the anniversary of my mom’s death in the month of December. But there are a few other things that have made it hard to get just get through the day, let alone in the Christmas Spirit. I feel bad that I don’t feel the things I know I should be feeling during this time. I fight tears most days. I don’t want to be around people. I am finding myself shutting down, which is a pretty standard action when I find myself having to face things, or deal with things…whether they are within my power to change or not change.

I do have a doctor’s appointment Wed. My primary reason is to talk to him about monitoring my Protime (the blood levels that are tested when you are taking Coumadin). The cardiologist in Topeka has always been the one to monitor it. But at my app’t with him last week, when we were talking about it, he said “who’s monitoring it, Dr. Braun?”. That told me that I do have another option, and I think I would just as soon have it monitored by my primary doctor who treats me for other things. But. Quite honestly, if I was just going for just the Protime, I probably would just have Topeka do it and go on. But, I have several other things I want to talk to him about …. weight loss pills possibly …. and also, maybe something for depression. I know I shouldn’t rely on medication to get me out of this funk that I”m in, but I can’t seem to be able to do it on my own, so I want to talk to him about it. Checking my protime just seems to be a good “in” to start with.

In the darkness, though, there is something I am looking forward to. Crowd of people and all. The Christmas Eve Service. Well…I am looking foward to it for the most part. Even it is tainted with a bit of worry and anxiety. The elders of the church have always given the staff a Christmas bonus. They used to give it at the Children’s program. And then more recently, the Sunday service before Christmas. But, they have done it neither time this year, so I can only sumiss they will do it tonight. Which means I will have to get up in front of the biggest gathering of people our church has of the year. I don’t like doing that under the best of days; and these aren’t the best of days. I just pray I can put the anxiety behind me for the moment, and soak in the service and find the true reason for the season.

When David and I went to Topeka the other day to do Christmas shopping, he asked me what I wanted.   I told him what I wanted couldn’t be bought with money.  There are several things along that line that I would like.  Our dining could use a major decluttering.  And alot of it isn’t mine, and so when I go to do something with it, I get overwhelmed, and thus, don’t get very far.  So, I told him I would love for the dining room to be decluttered, guilt free — that I would come home one day from work, and it would be done.  Something else I would like is for my heart to go back into rhythm.  Without all the hoopla that my cardiologist would like to do to convert it (like shocking it … or putting me in the hospital for 3 days, giving me a special drug that maybe …. or may not, put it back in rhythm.  When they first diagnoised me with Atrial Fib, I was in the hospital for 6 days … waiting for it to go back into rhythm, and it never did.  So, I don’t hold out much hope now, some 4 years later.  David got this glint in his eye.  The conversation went something like this…

“I think I can help with this one” he says.   5:45 — tomorrow morning.  You.  Me.   We are going to the Rec Center.  Merry Christmas.  Get used to it.  We are going to go up and walk every day.   I don’t care if you walk one lap or 100 laps …. ride the stationary bikes,  use the  elliptical machines… I don’t care.  But you have to do something.”

And, after sitting through the appointment with my cardiologist Monday, that pretty much seal my fate.  My cardiologist prescribed two things for me Monday.  Coumadin.  And exercise.  He said they used to think that if you had a heart condition, you needed to take it really easy.  But not anymore.   Even those with weak hearts or waiting for transplants, they encourage to keep moving.  To exercise. 

So, thats what we are going to do.  This is so much different than how I have always done it.  Usually, I’ll get on a program, do well, and THEN start incorporating exercise.  Not this time.  I’m not on any kind of weight loss program.  I haven’t figured that part out yet, what route I want to go.  I’m starting with the exercise, and maybe, just maybe,  weight loss will be a side effect of the walking.  And even if its not,  there are all kinds of other benefits that will be good for me.

This Afternoon
Snow Early In The Afternoon…Then Chance Of Snow Late In The Afternoon. New Snow Accumulation Up To 1 Inch. Highs Around 25. North Winds 15 To 20 Mph.

I’m glad I really don’t have to get outside for anything today. David is out in it — as far as traveling in one vehicle or another. He and another guy went to Emporia to pick up a truck, and take another one on out to Florence; but he isn’t have to work out in the cold, so that’s good. Ethan has to go to work at 2:30. Its less than a mile to drive, so he should be OK. Its not icy. Just cold - cold- cold, and snow. Our Sunday School class is having a Progressive Supper tonight. David will go if he gets done working in time; but I had made my mind up a while back not to go. And just some things that are going on confirmed it even more that I wasn’t going. So, I’m not venturing out.

Its not as bad as it could be, nor as bad as some parts have gotten. It was so weird. Looking at the radar on my cell phone, there is this massive blue area headed our way. When it gets to our area, with the X, its like the parting of the sea. Its goes above us and below us, but we weren’t getting any snow. We did wake up to some snow, but not the 7 - 10 inches they predicted. We probably had 2 inches this morning, and then its snowing now, and the wind is blowing. Brrrrr. We have lucked out twice now. The ice storm that came through earlier this week did the same thing. I’m sure, however, we will get ours sometime this winter. We always do.

Gordon talked about “Serenity” in his message today. What brings it. What keeps us from it? Contentment for one. As a Christian, You have to be content with what you have, who you are, and know what role God plays in your life to achieve contentment. This makes so much sense, and something I want to achieve this next year. But, I have 20 days of December to still get through. Can I live another 20 days in discontent? No. I can start laying the foundation. Set goals, and, I don’t have to wait until January 1 to start implementing them. Start now. Start slow. Start with baby steps. Blogging is something I like to do, and yet, my actions say other wise. And in some ways, it brings me a greater sense of discontentment than the contentment something I love should bring. How can I change that?

By backing off. By being happy with what I have. Simplify things. Don’t continue to search for that “perfect layout”. Keep the theme changer, but narrow the list back to 2 or 3. Do the same over at Quiet Time. Or not. Over there, its all about the things I love, and I love graphics and such. The themes I have over there are from graphic artists. They aren’t WP themes that I have tried to decorate with my own creativity. I need to go about the computer and blogging in a more organized way. Don’t give up the every blogging. That is a part of who I am. I paper journaled before blogging, and I blogged long before the paid blogging. Putting it away and saying I wasn’t going to have anything to do with it is unrealistic. But, like many other areas in my life, a little (alot!) structure wouldn’t hurt. A goal I would like to set for myself is to set up a routine for what I need to do, with my blogging. And set a time limit on it. An hour. Two hours tops. Go in, do an every day entry here. Do an everyday entry at Quiet Time. And if I got really good at this, my weight loss blog doesn’t have to be a weight loss one. It could center around weight in general. If I’m not losing, write about it, what going on in my head about it. And believe me, there is lots in that area going on in my head.

After doing the “this is what is going on today” entries in those blogs, move to paid blogging, and do what needs to be done there. If I did it right, I could get all the PU2B ones done over the weekend, and focus on PPP, and whatever works for this blog, work those in. Spend 30 minutes visiting and commenting. And I’m done. Move on. To something else. Un-computer related.

Sounds simple. And I would venture to say how most bloggers structure their internet world. Unfortunately, my life is so unstructured. Its time for structure. I’ve said that for a long time. The time is now.

This Afternoon
Cloudy With A 20 Percent Chance Of Light Freezing Drizzle And Sleet. Highs Around 25. North Winds 5 To 10 Mph.

Even though my family is out and about, I’m not venturing out. It was “traumatic” enough for me just attending church. David did call and told me to go in the circle drive the wrong way, which would put the driver’s side towards the building, and he’d be watching for me. Once I got there, he came out, I got out of my Explorer, and made my way the few short feet to the inside of the building. It had been scraped and salted, but it was still sleeting, and, it was still a bit icy. Granted, I think part of it was just my own fear, being afraid to fall (I’ve been there and done that, and me falling would not be a good deal). My heart was pounding, and I just felt real fear, as I made my way to the building. And of course, we have the same scenerio once church was over. That was enough getting out for me.

With the weather the way it, David may have to rework all the loads he had scheduled for his drivers. One or two of them have said they would just as soon not drive in weather conditions like this, so he needs to refigure everything. So, he went out to the office.

And Ethan, sadly, is at a funeral. He had to work today, but they have been really flexible with the kids the weekend, and their schedules. I’ve really gone back and forth about whether or not I should be there. I didn’t know Andrew, but I did know his mom. More in passing, even though she is like, a third generation cousin to David. So, I left it up to Ethan to what I should do. I felt like I should be there for him, if for no other reason, but he said he would probably be sitting with his friends. The funeral is being held at the school. Visitation was from 4:00 - 6:00 last night. But, it was at least after 8:00 before the family was able to leave. Ethan called at 7:15 (he went up there at 5:00), and said he just left the funeral home. Literally hundreds of people there. Selfishly, I am glad Ethan said he didn’t need me there. A funeral is hard enough to deal with under the “best” of circumstances (and there are never any good circumstances). But a funeral for a child just a year older than your own, with hundreds of youth at this funeral … I’m at a place emotionally right now … its not something I really wanted to go through. My mom died December 14 (2003) … thats just a few day from now, and, that has me at “a place” emotionally, that is making me having to deal with my emotions and feelings. However, if Ethan had told me he really wanted me there — I would have put my own emotions and feelings aside and I would have been there for him. Ethan has should be a side of maturity this week through this whole ordeal; and so I trust him when he tells me that it was ok for me not to be there.

There has been alot going on, things that make you stop and reflect. Amidst all this reflection, I am faced with a decision. If you read this blog regularly, you know that I have a condition called Atrial Fib. My heart is out of rhythm. Its been that way for several years now. After lots of testing, it was determined that I had severe sleep apnea, and that is what has caused it. So, I sleep with a CPAP machine every night, and the Atrial Fib has come and gone. In recent months, its has come, and it has stayed. My cardiologist has wanted to take several courses of action, but several factors have stopped me. No insurance for one. But there are other reasons as well. And, I’ve been told that for the most part, it being out of rhythm isn’t hurting my heart. The main thing that can happen when its out of rhythm is because its not pumping the blood correctly through the heart, the tends to pool in the chambers, and the risk of a clot is present. Taking Coumadin helps deal with that. And for years, I took my Coumadin faithly, went for my weekly or monthly Protime checks. But. Somewhere along the line this year … this mental funk I’m in … I stopped taking my Coumadin. I do continue to take the Toprol, because it keeps the heart from racing, and when I don’t take it, it makes things alot worse than they already are.

I received a postcard saying it was time for my yearly check with my cardiologist. Monday, the 17th. So, I’ve been stressing out. Keep the appointment? or cancel? if I keep it, tell him everything is fine … he used to hearing my heart out of rhythm, and he has “dealt” with me before, so, pretty basically, he tells me what he would like to do, but the choice is mine to do or not do. And so far, I have always chosen “not to do”.

One of the things he wants to do is doing a nuclear stress test. I have a real emtional fear of this test. My mom had one, everything showed she was fine … and two weeks later, she had a heart attack. A couple years later, she went in the hospital for some tests, again, she had a nuclear stress test, and she died the next day. 3 week later, my Atrial Fib was discovered, and I was rushed to the hospital, and spent 6 days in the hospital , with them trying to get it back into rhythm. A very emotional time for me. Same hospital, same doctors, same tests …. at one point they had to move patients around, and they moved me into the room my mom had died it. I lost it. So, when he wanted to do a nuclear stress test on me, I just. could. not. do it.

Fast forward a couple years. He still wants to do the test, I still don’t want to do it. At the last appointment, he wanted to put me in the hospital and give me some special medicine that could possibly make the heart go back in rhythm. He also would like to try shocking it. Here’s the kicker though. Both of these things …. if the odds were good that these things would work, I would probably do them. But. There is a chance either way, they won’t work. Or, they could work, and 2 days later, my heart could go back out of rhythm. With no insurance, I have a real hard time incurring thousands of dollars for something that may not work or if it did work, could quit working within a couple of days. No one knows. So, I made the choice not to have them done.

Once again, I’m face with these same choices, these same decisions. With the death of Ethan’s friend this week, he is emotionally raw, and it has made me realize that maybe I need to step back up to the plate and do some things to improve the quality of my life, not to mention doing things that I know need to be done, with this condition. Like, take my presciptions like I’m supposed to. Go take those blood tests.

Ethan’s reaction, when he learned of the death of his friend was “I have to go call my mom”. He need me. He needed the comfort of my voice. Of my words. He. Needed. His. Mom. That was kinda a wake up call for me. I have sunk low enough in this funk that, even though I’m not contimplating suicide or anything like that, I often think that things would be better if I wasn’t here. Yes, even to my husband and child. I don’t cook very often anymore. The house is a mess. I feel like a failure as a wife and a mom. And yet … when his REACTION was - that he needed me…he didn’t think about it, he just instinctively reached for me, I realized, that maybe, just maybe I am doing something right. And in conversations since then, he has expressed very emotionally, that I need to do whatever it takes to insure the length of my life, because if I die right now, he will not be able to handle it. Well — yes, he would deal with it, and life would go on. But, if I love him, and his dad, then I owe it to them to make some changes here, and make some hard decisions. And, even selfishly, I need to do it for me. I feel like cruddy all the time now. And I’m sure the heart is playing a large part of that.

At the very least, I need to get back on the Coumadin regiment. Financially, that is manageable. The presription itself is around $70 a month. And the blood tests are $40 each. Since I haven’t taken it for awhile now, if it goes like it has in the past, I will have to go for blood tests every few days the first few weeks;and then eventually, it will go to once a week, and once they get the level of Coumadine where it needs to be, then we can level off to once a month.

To me, there have been lots of “God-Whispers” lately that this is the right thing to do. Heart articles that keep popping up. Cheney going into the hospital for his Atrial Fib. Coming across blogs that has a family member that has Atrial Fib. All reminders of how serious this condition really is, and I really need to deal with it better. Ethan needing me, I need to deal with it better. I think I finally get it.

The reprieve? I’ve been thinking, reflection, stressing all week, and now all weekend about just how I wanted my cardiologist appointment to go this Monday ….. and I was putting Ethan’s work schedule in day planner, and I realized, I’m a week off. My apointment is the 17th. Which is next Monday, not this Monday. So, I have another week to figure out just exactly what I’m going to do.

Tonight
Cloudy. Patchy Drizzle…Light Freezing Drizzle In The Evening…Then Slight Chance Of Snow…Light Sleet…Patchy Light Freezing Drizzle And Slight Chance Of Light Freezing Rain After Midnight. Lows Around 28. Northeast Winds 10 To 15 Mph. Chance Of Measurable Precipitation 20 Percent.

I’m glad its Friday. With this in the forecast, I have no desire to get out for any reason. We had one bad day this week, but got lucky. It was sleeting when I went to work, but was able to get into the building without much trouble. But you could just see the world outside turning into a skating rink of ice. It was then I realized that I didn’t have an ice scraper in the Explorer. At home, its parked under the carport, so I never have to scrape ice on icy winter mornings. But, my boss was there, as well as one of the guys that attends our church, but helped in the building of our new church building, and he spends alot of time there doing odds and ends. He is working nights these 2 weeks, so seeing him every morning when he works nights, is pretty much routine. I asked him if he would go out and start my Explorer — that was about 30 minutes before I was due to leave. Plus, sometime during the morning, the temps had raised just a bit, and the ice on the sidewalks had turned to slush and water. The defroster on my Explorer did a good job melting the ice off my windshield, so I was good to go. My afternoon job allows me the benefit of parking under a carport, so scraping my windshield there wasn’t an issue either.

Al did suggest something, and it is definately on my “I want this for Christmas” list. I thought we had to buy a newer vehicle to get this, but he said no, well…. yes, you can buy some of the newer vehicles with this feature. But if your present vehicle doesn’t have it, there is a plug type thing you can wire into some of the older vehicles, and I would be able to start my Explorer from inside. I don’t know how expensive they are, and how difficult they are to install. But I want David to at least check into it, and see what all it involves. I hate winter and the icy conditions that are often a part of it. Anything to make getting to and from work a bit easier is definately something I want!

But, in the meantime, at least for tomorrow, I think I’m staying put!

The grieving twin brother of a Burlington teen killed in an accident talks with 13 News about what happened.

Ryan Futtrell told Ralph Hipp Thursday from his hospital room at KU Medical Center, that he suffered cuts on his hands and road rash trying to save his brother.

Andrew Futtrell, 17, died shortly after losing his grip trying to get back into the truck, traveling from highway 75 back to highway 31 near Melvern Lake in Osage County.

Ryan says his brother was medically unresponsive as they waited for an ambulance, and later died of his accidental injuries.

Ryan remained under observation Thursday evening at the Kansas City Hospital.

The Futrell family would like to issue the following statement:
While there has been inaccuracies in the media reports about the accident that took the life of our son Andrew and left our other son, Ryan(Andrew’s twin) injured, this is not important to our family at this time. What is important to our family is that our community come together to give support to the children of our community, including our children, Ryan and Adam, the children that where in the vehicle the night of the accident, Burlington High School classmates, and friends of Andrew and Ryan from other schools in our county. Our focus should be directed to their mental and physical healing as this will take time. Our son, Andrew is gone and we will forever miss him and remember him. Andrew would want us to heal together as a community and support each other as we heal. So again, we ask that you please focus your energy and support towards helping the children of our community heal.

The Futrell Family

Tim Brenda Adam and Ryan

The Jones Funeral Home, 801 Garretson Street, Burlington says services for Andrew will be held Sunday, Dec. 9 at 2 p.m. at the Burlington High School gymnasium, 830 Cross St.

Visitation with the family is Saturday from four to six at the funeral home.

The Futrell family is hoping Ryan can be with the family at Andrew’s services.

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WIBW Homepage

With the changes I would like to incorporate, I am drawn to thoughts about the areas in my life that I often recommit to. Weight loss. My faith walk with God. House cleaning. Blog organization. More socialable…both in real life and in the blogging world. A better mom. These are all things that I want to improve in my life. These are areas I feel like I am a failure, at time, if not all the time. Just the fact that I recommit, over and over, is a sure sign that I am a failure.

I don’t understand why I can’t get my body to get in line with my head. When I’m at work, I think about the things I would like to be doing at home, getting things organized and in order. But when I finally get home, its like I enter a force field that zaps any energy that I might have. Very often, I will find myself, sitting down “for just a minute”, only to wake up from a nap. Which sometimes helps, just that short little capnap. But, still, its frustrating, and overwhelming. Where to start. And what to do.

Is it recommittment? or procrastination? laziness? a side effect of the heart being out of rhythm, and maybe I need to take the step and follow some recommendations my cardiologist has suggested.

Or maybe I can just go back to bed, cover my head with the covers, and not commit to anything. Will that work? Looking at everything on the calendar for December, that is definately what I would like to do. But. “Like to do” and actually doing … will probably be two different things. I do need to work through this black hole I’m in. The fog is getting thicker and thicker and I don’t have the energy, it seems, to work myself out of it. But I know I need to. So, I will continue to at least work at it, try to commit, to plan, to set goals. At some point, something will click and things will engage, and life will begin again.

I have been struggling with this, actually for awhile. To the point of feeling anxiety, and it shouldn’t be that way. Granted, part of it is just a physical part of what is going on with me … my heart being out of rhythm, and that produces an “anxious” feeling, although you don’t have anything to be anxious about (unless you are stressing out about your heart being out of rhythm. But that is a whole other entry for another time). Things are changing in the blogging world, esp. for us that do paid blogging. I read something interesting last night that really made sense and made me question my role in doing paid blogging. And yet, I’m not ready to give it up. Maybe streamline it some. One thing I do want to do, is get a grasp on the various blogs I have, and what their purpose is. Some of them already do — Focus on Kansas is my photography blog. No problem there. And Weighing Me Down is about health and weight issue (note: I’ve changed it to weight issues, not weight loss. Maybe if I blog about weight ISSUES, I can get to the core of why I am presently out of control in this area). So that blogs, I pretty much have a clear vision for what I want from them, and follow through. And even A Second Look, even though I haven’t blogged but a couple entries there, I have a clear vision of what I want from it. I just haven’t followed through, but I haven’t given up.

Where I struggle is with my 2 main blogs. This one and Quiet Time. I do know Quiet Time is ad-free. I will never do any paid blogging over there. For the past few months, I have tried sepeating the two … doing paid blogging here, and my “daily life” stuff over there. But, in the shower this morning, it, for some reason, became crystal clear to me what I need to do. I’m going about this backwards. This blog was a “main blog” long before paid blogging hit the scene. And I have lost myself along the way. I’ve lost the focus of what blogging is about. Just as I feel like I have lost myself in the real world, I have also done so in the blogging world. Again. Focus. Goal. Vision. You have to have all of those things to move forward in life, in a happy and content way. And its been a long time since I have truly been happy and content.

I sat down and made a list. It makes sense. And it will work.

QUIET TIME:
What does quiet time mean to me? Quiet time is time spent with God. It is also time when I have time to myself to do things I enjoy. So. My Quiet Time W/Carolyn blog should consist of this: God … Bible studies, Faith Walk Thoughts. Christian Women Online participation. W@H participation. Blog Your Blessings. Sunday Seven. All of these things would compliment the blog, give me lots of writing material, and make the blog what I want it to be. Also, visit more, be more consistent about leaving comments, and make it all come full circle with friends.

A PRAIRIE VIEW
This is where my everyday blogging should come in. Blog like I used to. I still try to do everyday entries, but have been doing them over at Quiet Time. And, then struggle with the paid blogging interium posts. Go back to the basics. Blog like I did before paid blogging, when I just had one blog. Which means, everyday stuff, fun memes, just a hodge podge of stuff. Yes, even book blogging. Where I take a “guided journal” type book, and work through it. That was a part of “who I was”, and for this blog to be natural and a part of “who I am”, that is a part of it.

Makes sense to me, and I just feel like everything has fallen into place. Now. To just make it all work. I can, if I just try and apply all of these things in this way. Blogging … writing… has always been a part of who I am. Its time I sort things out, and find that piece of me that has been missing for awhile and covered up by the paid blogging obession. Its time for balance.

We got lucky. There was cold and icy conditions in the forecast. We were to wake up to a not so good morning. Granted, it hasn’t been a good day weather wise. Wind advisors, and rain. But the temps have stayed up in the 40 and 50’s, so we aren’t fighting ice. But I’m sure that is just right around the corner. I think north of us, they might have gotten the colder conditions, but at least we escaped it, and for that, I’m grateful.

Its been a quiet day. David has been working on his driver’s trucks all day. And Ethan had a split shift. He worked his shift this morning — 8:00 until noon. And then he had another shift from 2:30 until 7:30. Someone wanted to trade shifts with him — he didn’t work last Sunday when he was scheduled, in exchange for working the 2:30 - 7:30 shift. He’s had pretty light hours this week, and he did get tomorrow off like he requested, so he didn’t mind working the extra shift. He is part of the Special Music tomorrow at church, and then we have a birthday party to attend at 4:00, so he pretty much needed the whole day off. If its not around a holiday, they are pretty good about working in the requests. And again, for that, I’m grateful.

Quiet day after yesterday’s festivities. No turkey leftovers for us — those stayed with Matt. He’s going to have lots of sandwiches for days to come. But he did a great job preparing them. I was impressed. For not knowing what he was doing, he did a great job. He prepared not one, but two turkeys for our Thanksgiving meal. He baked one, and smoked the other other one out on the grill. I was a bit concerned that he hadn’t even bought the turkeys Wednesday morning. But he did his homework, and both turkeys turned out moist and tender. We have crowned him “Head Turkey”. He’s doing all the “family” turkey cooking from now on.

Fly Away Home. I don’t know what the deal is, and yes, there are worst things to be bothered by. But for some reason, we have an infestation of ladybugs. Hundreds of them. And we have had them for weeks. They crawl around on the screen (which then cast shadows on my desk in the afternoon). There have been a dozen or so inside the office. I go to lay an invoice down or something, and almost smash a ladybug. Or you feel something crawling on you… onto to realize its a harmless little ladybug. Yes, I am very very thankful that its not some other kind of bug, or worse — spiders. But, still. Its a bit annoying.

A few years ago, I would have thought something like My Footprints.com was a good idea, but something we would do “someday”, and put it on the back burner, and probably would have never given it another thought. But. In the last 4 years, I have had to plan 2 funerals. My mom died unexpectedly, December 2003. The number of funerals I have been to are few, and the number of funerals I have planned, up to that point, were non-existant. I just had no clue. Fortunately, my mom and I were really really close, and the funeral home walked me through the process. Also, my aunt was a part of our lives at that time, so anything about the family or the past that I didn’t know, she had all the answers.

However. When my aunt passed away, who then did I turn to for answers? In all reality, I turned to my aunt. Her death was expected, and she was the type of person who planned for things far in advance. 6 months prior to her death, she and I were sitting in the funeral home, going over the questionaire that they normally used after the person had passed away, and the family gave the answers. I am so glad that we did it when we did, because there was so many things I didn’t know about her, or if I did know about it, I couldn’t fill in the right dates. For instance, I knew she was in the Army. But I couldn’t tell you the years, or what rank she was. She was in the Army when I was a little kid. I didn’t know she had been a church secretary (which I found fascinating, because that I what I am presently). She filled in alot of important information, and I kept that paper in a safe place, and I was thankful that that was one less detail that I had to deal with when she passed away.

My Footprints.com does exact what she and I did in the funeral home, only they taken it a few steps further, and it is online. Its Free to Join. MyFootprints.com is truly a unique website that allows a person make the process of planning a funeral just a bit easier for those they leave behind. Until you are actually in the middle of all the details of a funeral, whether the death is expected or not, you just do. not. realize how many questions there are, how many things need to be taken care of. You think you know the person. But once they are gone, you realize that there are so many questions you didn’t realize you had, until then.

I have signed up, (its free!) and I am going to begin the process of building my “Footprint“. Just a few weeks after my mom died, we discovered that my heart was and still is, in Atrial Fib. It beats out of rhythm a good portion of the time. And I have to be honest. I don’t think I’ll live to be the ripe old age of 90, not even close. And so, if my days are numbered, whether it be next year, or years down the road, I would really like to leave behind a legacy, in my own wording. To create a legacy of who I am — not of who David or Ethan or the rest of my children think I am. My family has alot of information of our family tree, so I would like to build on that, and make that information a part of my “Footprint“. With this service, you can leave final wishes and even emails for people, that will be sent after your death. You can keep a life journal and a secret diary. You can create a timeline of your life.

Since I blog alot, I understand that there is alot “about me” already out there for anyone and everyone to read. Maybe too much information, in the aspect that I have kept a blog for 6 or 7 years now, and that is alot of reading to go through, when you blog most every day. But, being able to go to a website like “My Footprint“, your legacy is all layed out right there. Extensive enough for people to get a feel for who you are, and yet not so much information that it is overwhelming. It even gives obituary information and funeral information.

The process is this. You sign up (and again, I say — its Free!). You create an account. From there, you just start filling in your information. Adding pictures. I know this sounds a bit odd, but in today technology, it makes a lot of sense. Create emails, of things you would like to say to loved ones after you die. Or, if you want your sister to have that special jewelry box, or your youngest daughter to have a certain picture that has hung on your wall for years … those final wishes can be documented within this site. You need to ask someone to be your Trusted Keyholder (that would be maybe someone at your church, an attorney, a family member or a close friend). That person will need to be a member of My Footprints. When you die, that person will be emailed a special code for activation of your Footprint. They will be responsible in accessing your Last Wishes. And they enter any Visitation and Funeral information.

Having been through this process so recently, I love having a tool like this at my fingertips that I can create myself, and hopefully,make the process of planning my funeral just a bit easier. Something else I noticed that I could do — since I do keep a daily blog already, I noticed that they had banners that can be added to my website or blog. With a little bit of code, I can add my Footprint to my blog. I can see my family following along, and perhaps helping me add information and pictures to it. I am going to be sending out invitations to my “Footprint” to friends and family as soon as I get some information added to it.

If you are interested in more information about this truly unique and and dynamic service, I encourage you to play the video below. And I also encourage you to create your own legacy and leave your own Footprint.

That was a no brainer, even though it took me a moment for it to click in that is what I would do. Tonight was our annual Thanksgiving supper at the church. Always lots of good food. And its the only meal of the year that we are “assigned” what to bring, by the first letter of our last name. Any other time during the year, it truly is potluck, and whatever gets brought, gets brought. But for this Thanksgiving one, the CWF ladies furnish the turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, and stuffing. We bring the rest. Our last name starts with “S”, and this year, we were to bring salad. Not because salad starts with “S”, but thats just how the rotation fell. When I think “salad”, I think lettuce. Add some sliced cucumbers, tomatoes, some salad dressings, and you are good to go. But. David doesn’t ask. He tells me what he wants me to take to every get together that requires us to bring food. Its the same request every time. Apple. Salad. Its a recipe that my mom always did, and she always made. But after she died, he asked me if I would make it. Its easy enough, so its no big deal. You just dice up how 5 or 6 apples. Throw in diced up pecans, marshmallows, and stick it all together with Miracle Whip. Thats it. But, its really good, and the bowl always comes home empty. And if it doesn’t … it will be empty before the night is over. I don’t know what it is about that particular dish, but David really like its. And so does my new sister-in-law. I’m just glad its not something complicated. I don’t do complicated.

Last night went well. Russell (the class sponsor) had more than enough help. Lots of parents, lots of kids. He was almost at a loss what to have everyone do. We helped a little, but there really wasn’t a whole lot to do. Now… if we will just half that amount of people come time to close. Right now, the schedule only shows David and myself for the Middle School. I’m hoping others will be there. No so much that “we have to do all the work” to clean up — but rather, just a matter of not knowing what all should be done. My main concern is — we needed like 27 crock pots of chili, plus several more crocks for cheese sauce and the breakfast burritos. I know that we need to wash the crocks and clean up the kitchen. But. What do we do with the crocks then. I know. It will all work out — and even though Russell has to go to Wichita today for a drama club something, he said he should be back by 3:00. So, if he’s there, then I’m not going to stress.

Russell is a pretty detail oriented guy. He heads up the drama club, and and all the theatre productions, and is pretty amazing. He spent a good part of his life in Las Vegas, doing set productions, etc. So, he is bringing a well of information and experience to our small little school. The sets he builds for the plays are amazing. Having him as the Junior class sponsor will be a good thing. Apparently last year, alot of money was spent on decorations, and they weren’t very good. People were. not. happy. With Russell in charge, and his enthusiasm, the decorations will be amazing. He has already said we would probably build most of the decorations for Jr./Sr. Prom, and not “order” a bunch of it in. Hard to believe that my “baby” will be attending Prom this year. It wasn’t that long ago when Jason — my oldest son — was renting a tux and getting ready for Prom. Ethan was literally just a baby then. The years — they do fly by.

I am not in a good place. This should be a good weekend. It will be a good weekend. And yet, a part of me wishes I could just close my eyes and make the weekend go away. I am feeling overwhelmed by what needs to be done. I am at a place where I just don’t want to go out, be among people. But this weekend is about doing things, being out and around people. Starting tonight. Ethan’s Junior Class has a major fundraiser tomorrow — 2 concessions at the Craft show that is going on tomorrow. We signed up to help set up tonight. Tomorrow, I will attend the craft show, and walk through the 2 schools, looking at wonderful neat crafts. This craft show is amazing. We signed up to work from 3:00 - 5:00, which is an hour of selling and an hour of clean up. Then on Sunday, it is the annual Thanksgiving supper at the church, with a program afterwards. So much for staying home. I have several paid opps that HAVE to get done this weekend. I have several household things that HAVE to get done this weekend. I do feel better today, and I felt pretty good yesterday. But the first couple of days this week, I wasn’t worth 2 cents. I didn’t even feel like blogging, and that is pretty bad. So. Just gotta focus, make a list, and start marking things off. Its the only way this weekend will work.